3 Years Later....

I'll have to write more when I'm feeling lucid. I know I was going to come back to blogging here...but it got away from me when life got in the way. I did start a private blog on another site that is of a more adult nature...and thought it might be nice to continue to write rated "G" or PG-13 when I'm in the mood.

The kids are awesome...probably better than me. I spent the last year (from 2011-2012) as a long term Intervention Specialist in my home school district...but sadly that assignment ended in June and as of right now...I have no teaching contract. The jobs are few and far between and I am learning the harsh reality of the politics in motion. Its all about who you know.

I am less than 2 months away from being out of money. My spousal support cut off  last month (and yes I'm kicking myself for letting him off the hook early..I just assumed I'd be up and running by now). Applying for jobs online SUCKS....there's no way to stand out in the crowd and no way to get face time with someone to show you can walk and talk in complete sentences. I'm in panic mode...and its putting me into a spiral of depression.

I spend all day on the computer filling out applications, trying to decide if teaching will be my final resting place. I hate to walk away from it...but I need to make money NOW. I could risk working as a daily sub..but not sure if I could make enough money to make it work. And the politics of it all really turn me off...I mean BIG time.

The biggest thing I will miss if I have to work in the private sector again.....time spent with my kids. I tear up just thinking about it. I have always been here for them. It reminds me of when Lance used to ask me about going back to work to help with finances and I would insist that the money we would pay in daycare would be wasted and how I didn't want that for our kids. I have been so blessed to have summers off with them, school vacations...quality bonding time. The thought of giving that up makes me sick to my stomach.

I wish I could find a way to make writing profitable...now.....or that I had the confidence in my writing abilities to think I could actually write something people would want to buy. I want to be here for my kids. Period.

Sigh...three years later...and there is still no love in my life. I am lonely and sad and wishing for a companion...and I have had rotten luck with online dating or anything remotely resembling finding someone worth spending time with. I keep telling myself it's not important...but I feel less whole without someone to share my life with.

I'm BAAAAACCKKK!!

After a prolonged absence from writing here on my blog, I have found that some people actually miss me. I have understandably been busy rearranging my new life here in Ohio with my family and friends. It has been a good break for me. We got through out first holiday season without Lance, albeit with a few snags here and there, but for the most part it was a happy holiday for all.

I have been updating my status and pics mostly on Facebook, and just find it a bit draining to do updates all the time since I would rather be engaged in living...but writing a blog is also a nice outlet for me.

Let me quickly bring you up to speed on the high points:

• I was accepted into the Masters Program for Special Education at Ursuline College. It is an accelerated 15 month program beginning at the end of May. My awesome parents will be assuming care of the kids during the week while I am consumed with studies. I will have them on weekends.
• Working very part time as a substitute teacher..work trickles in. However, I have now cut my teeth in both middle school and high school. Bring it on!
  
• The kids are both well adjusted to being here and loved their first real winter with snow. We went skating, sledding and they built forts and snowmen.
• We now have 2 hamsters and a goldfish to add to our pet count..along with good old Ginger Dog..who we brought with us from California. I still trip over her daily.
• I have discovered the strange and interesting world of meeting friends on the internet. And by friends, I mean, um, well, men. I am not ready to have a relationship yet, God knows..my life is far too busy and have alot to take care of emotionally and just getting back to the business of being me. But hey, going out once in awhile for coffee or drinks is not so bad. I am very careful and always meet in public and have learned the safety tricks so no worries. I have actually met some very nice men and become friends with them if they live too far to meet. And...there are plenty of MARRIED men (ahem) certainly trying their best to get to me. It has been a real eye opener.....
• Rekindled old friendships and made new ones. Those have been a big help.
• Joined a gym but am a little off track at the moment. Motivated to stay healthy for my babies...oh yes, and being single and overweight is not too cool either.
• My confidence level has been, for the most part, restored. I still think I am such a strong personality I may never end up finding a long term companion to grow old with....but maybe someday down the road I will meet a truly STRONG, confident man who really loves my strength.

Well, not funny this entry...but give it time....hope you are all well!

1 Step Forward.....

2 or 3 steps back. Yesterday I went to the local UPS corporate center to apply for a seasonal Driver's Helper position. Yup, I am now reduced to considering slugging packages in the snow and crap for a little extra cash to help us out. For one whole month. The "interview" consisted of herding about 40 people into a room where we were told about the job, its requirements and restrictions, expectations. Scare tactic phase 1....anyone ready to leave yet? Then we were taken out to a UPS truck and shown how we would have to enter and exit the vehicle 100-300 times per day. Thighs burning, chest heaving, up and down, up and down. They made us enter the truck and enter via the back door. Scare tactic phase 2....you think you guys can handle this? I am rolling my eyes and trying not to laugh. This is humiliating. Then we are walked back to the cattle holding pen and told again if anyone feels this job is not for them, they are free to leave. A bunch of desperate people (like me), refusing to budge. Some old, some young, mostly men, a few of us ladies. Then, we are called one by one to an office to complete the "interview" process. While we wait, we are treated to a DVD of Apollo 13. My life has come to this....a college educated professional waiting to be picked from hundreds to haul packages for some money. Sigh.

The final phase of the "interview" was where they take you to a little room, verify the information on your online application, ask AGAIN whether you can meet the requirements of the job, they verify your identity, ask you to sign a form, take your uniform measurements (oh yeah, that was fun...giving your jacket, shirt and pants size to a complete stranger!), and we were told that if we were contacted further (to begin training) it would be paid time. And that was it.

I went to my car thinking, well, many people have been put into this situation...taking whatever job they can get to earn the money. And besides, at least I have a living income, I just need to get money to pay for my insurance that will be going away next month when my divorce is final. Oh yeah, and some extra money for doing things like taking classes, paying for books, etc.

And then I get a text from HIM....can he fly me and the kids out to CA in December? Instant buzzkill. Are you kidding me? So we can all see how you have desecrated our home with that woman living there? So the kids can be treated to the sight of you and another woman living in their home and having their bedrooms (possibly) altered? I have no idea what it looks like, but I'm in no hurry to find out. Besides, if I get this job, I will be working all through their break anyway. And I will not put them on a plane alone....NO WAY! He can come here, but I am not going there. It is too soon. It is too much.

I feel like I am just not the person I should be right now. There are all these expectations on me, some self-imposed, others implied. Like, I should have a job by now. Like I should understand that things will get better. Like, I don't need to be dating right now or thinking about men.

But...here's the thing. I wanted this UPS job because it requires virtually no THINKING on my part. Mindless, manual, grueling work. I'm no good at making decisions right now. And as for getting a job...well, let's just say I am struggling. I need the extra money, but I am having such a hard time just rolling with the punches. I feel like this process for me has only started and it's gonna take however long it takes and there shouldn't be a time limit. And it makes it hard to work under those circumstances. I find it hard to sell myself right now. I'm still too much like a wounded animal that is more likely to bite a helping hand than accept it. And that's just how it is.

Yes, I have my kids. Yes, I have my friends and family. Yes, I am enjoying reacquainting with old friends. But...my family also has alot of stuff they are dealing with and they can't keep holding my hand. I need to hold theirs. I'm trying, really. I am STRUGGLING, and that just makes me more mad at myself. Like I should be over this already. Like it shouldn't bother me that HIS life is moving on and I am stuck in mental neutral. Everyone has a life they are living and I am just on auto pilot. And no amount of support, cajoling or encouragement is gonna make me move. Until I am ready.

As for the men.....I am very vulnerable right now. The last thing I need is a relationship. But I love the feeling of being with someone who likes being with me. Who calls me to see how I'm doing. Who has a true and sincere interest in seeing me happy. Who I can talk to when the kids are in bed. I am not alone but I am so lonely. Still. I was lonely in my marriage and nothing has changed. And when I get together with my friends and see all the couples around me it is so hard for me. I love being part of a couple. I love the affection, the intimacy, the sharing of so many things. This is definitely hard for me. And I hate to admit that weakness, but I have been off the market so long it is really hard to adjust. So much for women's liberation. I need men...I like them. And I could definitely use the ego boost that comes from having a man pay attention to me. Sad, but true.

I know it will get better. Mentally, I know this. I am counting on it. Emotionally I am retarded and wounded and vulnerable. And I hate it. I feel like I'm scared of so many things right now, which is just dumb, right? Like getting a job that I can't handle. Like time is gonna run out for me to get what I need done to get into this Masters program. Like how am I even gonna DO the school with no daycare next 2 summers and no daycare money? And yes, HE would have to pay half, but I have to come up with the other half, and I have nothing. So I will be forced to have help from family if they will do it. Don't get mad at me because I'm not making him PAY...I have to PAY too and I don't have the money. And I might not be ABLE to work while I'm in school since it is a very intense program. And don't get mad at me for that either. I can't take the pressure. Really. I can't.

I am just willing this all to work. I don't know how it is going to work, but it simply HAS to. I need this.

And my one single girlfriend has a boyfriend now, so I'm giving her room for that. All my other friends are married. They have families and work lives and home lives. I am here loving my babies but GOD I miss having a man to curl up in bed with and make me feel safe and loved.

Autumn Rambler

First of all, my thanks again to certain family and friends (you know who you are) for your support. It has revitalized me....

• Autumn is here and holiday jobs are out there. Maybe I can get a job working for Santa?
• My ex has a girlfriend living with him already. In OUR old house. They have a history together. But he's not a cheater...whatever...
• Cheat once, shame on you. Marry a cheater.....shame on me....
• I'm glad my kids are with me!
• I'm glad I decided to move back to Ohio.
• My dog is shedding like crazy. I don't think she realizes she is gonna need the extra fur real soon...
• No, I do NOT want to date....but companionship is definitely a plus. Just find me somebody I don't have to beat off with a baseball bat all night....
• I feel kinda bad that I am frustrated at being home today taking care of a sick kid instead of out trying to get jobs and run errands...
• Single parenting sucks
• I am worried about a family member's health. Prayers please
• My baby lost her first tooth last night! It is going so fast....
• I'll never get married again.
• I love the love I get from my friends and family. I hope they feel it in return.
• I think Karma owes me something good...sooner rather than later please!
• There is some scary sh** on Craigslist. Check the personals and make sure ur kids aren't looking....
• Stress is a real drag
• I'm faking self-confidence alot more than I should
• My kids are obsessed with potty humor. I'm starting to worry about it lol.
• My kids think I'm the crazy mom (but good crazy). I think they are right. :-)
• Rekindling old friendships rocks
• Meeting new friends for all of us has been pretty cool
• It's kind of ironic that I am now seeking out single female friends when before I was obsessed with having friends with entire families. So they would understand my lifestyle. Now single moms are my new BFFs. Can u say babysitting swap for moms with no money?
• I'll never be poor because of all the love I have in my life.
• I think my kids are super cool and love them more than anything!
• I don't want my son to worry about me...he is so protective of me....
• Its gonna get better...its gonna get better....its gonna get better

So once again I return here to bloggerville with the intentions of writing a "woes-me" post because I am having one of THOSE days, and I happen to glance at my list of blogger updates and see one of my favorite bloggers, KellyW has updated. So I click the link. And I am stopped dead in my tracks at her story. Once again moved to tears by this amazing family who have gone through so much and continue to inspire...this little girl I never knew who has grown in my heart like a precious flower, alongside my 2 little ones. We know her in our own way, through Kelly and her family. We have adopted her in our hearts as have so many other online stranger friends. Sweet Steph has cast her web of love from beyond....and we are all caught up in it. I will forever be changed in my heart from this story. Some may think that strange, but the others, my other online friends I have yet to meet, they will understand. They DO understand, that is why they are my friends, whether we have met or not is irrelevant.

So I am sitting here on this blustery day where sadness threatens to swallow me up reading this story and thinking, I have absolutely no right to feel sorry for myself. I have my children. I have my parents. I have a roof over my head and food in my pantry. I am sad but I have not felt this kind of loss and I pray to God I never will. So I cannot compare my "loss" to theirs, or to others who have certainly gone through much more hardship in their lives. And what will I have learned when this is all over? That I am a survivor, whether I like it or not. That if you hit me in the head with a baseball bat I will eventually get back up and start swinging. It may take me a little while, but I will stand up again and shake off the dust and look to see where it is I need to go. That my children keep me grounded and help me stay in the "now" rather than the "what might have been" or the even scarier "what will happen to us now" realms.

And so, KellyW, this "Love, Loss and What I Wore" story is dedicated to you. Thanks for the inspiration....

Love, Loss and What I Wore
By Susan D

I couldn't believe this was happening.
Again.

I was about to get married for the (second) time, but this time I had really made sure he was THE one. He loved me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He accepted all the imperfections and strong personality quirks that make me lovable in a you-have-to-get-to-really-know-me kind of way. He had an adorable, sweet little boy and was a good father. He was attentive and loving and romantic. He was a gentleman...he held my doors open, pulled out my chairs, made me feel SAFE. My parents liked him, he asked my dad for his blessing before proposing, he had excellent taste in jewelry, and really seemed to want to take care of me in any way I could imagine. Not that I needed to be taken care of, you understand, but it was nice to think I had someone who really wanted to. And, he had a stable, good paying job that would support us as well as allow us to add to our family. I could breathe again.

Now I just needed to find the perfect wedding dress.

Off I went with my 2 friends for the shopping trips. I didn't want a "virginal white" gown (I mean, REALLY, it was a second marriage for both of us). And I didn't want the long, trailing train, just a slight train that could easily be bustled. There would be no dancing, it was a low-key affair that we wanted to have paid off by the wedding day to avoid that horrible wedding debt everyone racks up the (first) time. I think my parents were still paying for my first marriage....

Anyhoo...

As soon as I put it on, I knew it was THE one. My friends just looked at me and we all knew it. Not too much lace, not too much frill, a beautiful, unique backing and a gorgeous off-white color with a very slight train.

The day finally arrived. The ceremony was performed by a minister we had never met. It was his last official wedding ceremony since he had decided to retire. The service was shorter than the first one, but it seemed so much more personal. I fought back tears nearly the entire time. I didn't see anyone else in that little chapel but my husband to be and my new stepson. It was perfect, all I ever wanted. More meaningful than the first time. There were no small doubts as I stood at the alter like the last time that maybe I had made the wrong choice. This was THE guy and neither one of us was EVER gonna get rid of the other. We were in it for keeps, yes sirree Bob! (that was our best man's name, BTW).

Perfect, just perfect.

The dress was dry cleaned and heirloomed and put away for my future daughter. Does anyone ever actually wear their mom's dress anymore? Well, anyway, I spent the money to have it preserved regardless.

Fast forward, nearly 9 years later.
He's not happy.
What does that mean?
He hasn't been happy for a LONG time.
How long?
Remember that argument on the honeymoon?
WHAT???? Is he kidding me? I thought he was the guy who was supposed to love me for who I am?
Oh, he thought he could put up with me.
Nice.
He thought he would get used to it.
Am I the "it" in question here?
No. This is not happening. Not again. There are kids involved this time. Young kids, who will not understand.
Can't we fix this? Save this? Work on this?
Nope. Not a chance in hell.
Not unless I turn into a different person.
Well, that can't really happen, can it?
I mean, I can tweak a few things, sure, but change ME? Ummmm...welllll....I don't think so.
Are you sure that's it?
Yep.
No one else?....
......no.

.....still waiting to exhale. Letting a little breath out now and then, but still holding my breath overall.

When I packed to move back to Cleveland I was trying to decide what to do with my perfect 2nd wedding dress (I think the other one got pitched). My dad said throw it away. I wasn't ready yet.

So, it sits in it's box, perfectly preserved, in my closet nearly 3,000 miles from where I wore it.
I will not give it to my daughter. I will not pass on the bad juju it now possesses.
Hmmmm.....Halloween is right around the corner.....

And Just Like That....

....it's over. Received notification that my marital status will be terminated on November 13th. Poof! In less time than it took for him to court me, date, fall in love and get engaged, our marriage of nearly 9 years will be dissolved. Forget that there are 2 beautiful children in the middle of all this carnage who still have nightmares about daddy and missing the only home they have ever known. Forget that there were things that weren't perfect, but certainly nothing that couldn't have been resolved. Forget that there was never a CHOICE for me or the kids, everything was just dictated to us. Counseling? Nope. Therapy? Nope. Work it out and keep our family intact? Nope. Listen to your kids telling you they don't want mommy and daddy to break up, and daddy can't you just stay with mommy so we don't have to leave? Nope.

Only choice I got to make (if you can call it that) was where I wanted us to live. Couldn't stay in CA....too expensive and I had no WORK! Still don't....

Not sure how to feel about all this. It is still terribly sad to me. It all seemed to happen so fast. My kids are for the most part doing well, but they (like me) still have their moments, and I'm sure there will be many more to come in the days and years ahead.

So much I could post here about what I believe contributed to the demise of our marriage. But I won't. I will merely say this....the grass is always greener when a woman is involved. But you still gotta mow the lawn eventually....

Remembering 9/11

Share your story...what were you doing when the planes hit? I was getting ready for work and turned on the news (I was on the west coast). My hubby (now ex) had just started work at a new firestation (he is a firefighter) and I watched in horror as the first tower burned and saw live the second plane hit. I was 6 months pregnant with Michael and so my hormones/emotions were already in high gear.

I remember I didn't want to go to work that day, just wanted to stay home glued to the tv set. And I was calling my husband and telling him that if anything happened in LA to PLEASE run away from the building, not to go inside any high rises. I told him I'd rather he lose his job than his life.....

I have a book with a bunch of stuff I collected from that day. News clippings, magazine articles, the 9/11 video documentary, poems, etc. It is something I have tried to explain to my kids. I remember the story of a man who worked in the Twin Towers. His sister and her daughter (and their best friend and her daughter) were on one of the planes that hit the towers. He was just entering the lobby when the plane carrying his sister and niece hit the building. How terribly ironic. They were traveling to Disney Land (where dreams come true). Just one of many horror stories that came to life that day.

I cannot imagine how hard this day is for those living in the city or for the survivors and their families.

********************UPDATE***********************

Thanks for sharing your stories. Jyl, I am so sorry you knew people who died that day. Liz, I can so relate to the tv thing. And Loony...what a nightmare, huh?

I am wiped out. I just spent most of today (well yesterday now) watching the History channel's annual coverage of 9/11. This time I watched with my son and tried to explain the unexplainable. He couldn't quite grasp that this ACTUALLY happened, it wasn't a Hollywood video, movie or game. He kept getting confused between real and fantasy. Watching it all again (I have really just stayed away from it since then, except for maybe the 1st anniversary) brought back alot of what I felt, but the rawness was gone. It is still hard to watch, but it's like my nerves have healed a little. But I want my kids to know what an important day that was for our country and why. So many firsts that day...first time we had a terrorist attack at home, first time planes had been flown into buildings on purpose, first time civilians were unwittingly used as missles while other civilians were attacked for doing nothing more than living ordinary lives , first time body parts rained from the sky and skyscrapers fell to the ground, first huge loss of life of fire and police personnel on a single day at a single incident, first time we could watch on live television such horrendous events unfold, first time planes were voluntarily pulled out of the skies to keep us all safe (remember how eerily quiet it was?), first time we watched some countries dancing in the streets and others mourning with us over the events of that day. I could go on and on....

Let us all pray there will never be another day of firsts like those again....

Did you see this? LOVED it!!!! (fast forward to 2.07)

What I Have Learned This Summer....

• I am stronger than I thought, but able to be weak and vulnerable
• My family is the best!!! (but I already knew that)
• Uncertainty is paralyzing
• My kids can be my greatest teachers
• Having time just for me is okay
• My parents are the best safety net EVER!!! Thanks mom and dad for ALL you have done...I love you more than I can say....
• I love my old friends, and am looking forward to the new ones I make each day
• I'm so happy that my kids have found so many new playmates here
• I missed so much about my hometown, but now I still miss alot about California
• I'm not as bad as some people want you to think I am....
• Being a Bitch sometimes isn't necessarily always a bad thing....
• I look good in black (think about that a little)
• I love the smell of barbecue and the sound of old friends talking and laughing while they enjoy a meal together
• Kids will still be okay if they ride without a bike helmet sometimes
• Being a single mom is scary, but I have alot of help
• I don't want to be divorced, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me for who I am and will always be. It is sad all the way around.
• I wish my kids didn't have to go through any of this
• It's okay if your kids stay in your bed once in awhile, cuddling is never a bad thing...
• I love people saying hello on the street to strangers...I missed it!
• All in all, life is GOOD!!!

Obama Drama - Enough Already!!!!

As always, Ms. Sara Holbrook has put into words that which I feel better than I can. I hope you don't mind Sara, but I wanted to make sure those meager few who visit my blog understand how I feel about this, and since you were so eloquent, I am linking your words to mine...


http://saraholbrook.blogspot.com/2009/09/obamas-speech-to-students.html

Something Old, Something New

Got a new (used) couch today from my landlord's sister-in-law - SCORE! The color doesn't match a darn thing in the living room, but hey, that's what slip covers are for, right? It is in very good shape, nice and comfy and soft. At least now the kids and I can share seating and (gasp) I can invite people over without telling them to bring their own chair. And although I swore I would never own another second-hand piece of furniture again now that I am starting over, never turn your nose up at free furniture is the lesson du jour. After all, when I finally get around to buying the sofa of my dreams (whatever THAT is), this one can migrate to the basement where the kids can use it in their play area.

Ahh...life is good....

Ready, Set, Breathe....

What have I been up to, you ask? Mostly keeping the kids busy with outdoor activities to soak up all the good weather which they have no idea will someday come to an abrupt end. But I have also been having to re-evaluate "what I want to be when I grow up" and other earth-shattering choices now that my life has been completely (involuntarily) rearranged for me. I'm still pissed about that....

So, anyhoo....I spent so much of my energy in the last few months (since April 10th to be exact - the day I found out my marriage was ending and my life would never be the same) just focusing my time on getting through. Getting through whatever days of substitute teaching I could wrangle to put money in my pocket for the moving expenses. Getting through trying to explain what was happening to the kids. Getting through grappling with the end of my marriage. Getting through packing up my entire life (again!), which included a household, 2 kids and a dog, to get back to Ohio. Getting through financial ruin and the meetings with the attorney to discuss the end of my excellent credit rating and the beginning of my divorce. And getting through staying in the same house with the man who chose to end it all for all of us.

So we arrived exactly one week after my son finished the school year. It was a whirlwind, to say the least. I sold nearly every scrap of furniture I owned (at a major loss, believe me) just to avoid the storage and moving costs. I had garage sales like a madwoman and gave away thousands of dollars of things I had treasured and moved clear across the country the first time when I came to California because I could no longer afford to keep them in storage and was unsure what my final living arrangements would be. So all those Halloween and Christmas decorations (believe me, I love the holidays and the kids all loved my decorations) were sold (let's face it, I gave them away, I didn't make much), with the exception of a few boxes I could not part with so the kids and I would still have things to put up on the holidays. All the money I managed to make went toward the cost of the attorney, moving costs (most of which were borne by my parents who thankfully loaned me the money so I could leave), and everyday living expenses, since I was now cutoff from our joint accounts.

So here we were, a mom and 2 young kids (and 1 dog) who had no job, no idea where her life was going, less than 1/2 the amount of belongings we once had, and living with my parents. Not the end of the world, but what a change.

The kids spent the first month or so playing with their friends on my parents' street (thankfully they had playmates, which has been a blessing) while I frantically kept moving to figure out where I wanted to live. I wanted the kids to end up in the school district that was best for them where I could afford to rent a house. I needed to get that all done before the start of school to avoid uprooting them from a new set of friends, since most friendships are formed at school. So within 2 weeks I had found us a place to live and once again my parents were there to help us out with furniture purchases, etc. So now I have gone from having no money and no debt to having no money and a shitload of debt. And still no job. Crap!

So once we were all settled in and thankfully there were kids around us in the same age group as my 2 babies, I was left alone with time to think about "where do I go from here?"

Can I just say that is a crappy position to be in when you are coming into your mid-forties and you had everything planned out regarding your career, family, etc? Well, it is.

I hit a wall. I simply could not muster the energy to give any more thought to doing one single thing. I had enough of planning, moving, stressing out, crying, screaming and all the rest. So I spent a fair amount of time simply avoiding making big decisions. I watched TV, I walked the dog and took the kids swimming and to the playground, hung out with friends and family and just simply soaked up time with my kids.

But now the summer is coming to a close, the kids are starting school in less than a week, and I will be home alone. And still broke. And still in divorce limbo (waiting for paperwork to be officially signed by courts). And still in a shitload of debt with rent to pay and groceries to buy.

Time to get a job and get going. Teaching elementary school at this point is not an option for me. I do not have my teaching certification, there are zero jobs in my kids school district (not even administrative jobs), and any substitute teaching work I could get elsewhere would not give me benefits, which I am shortly going to need since mine will be gone as soon as things are final. Tick tock, tick tock.

Why not get a Master's degree? That way, I could strengthen my resume, take classes online around my (hopefully) work schedule and the kids school time, and take advantage of being dead-ass broke by getting financial aid. Of course, I will have to pay it all back since graduate students don't qualify for grants or scholarships, but hell, what's another $20k added to the pile, right?

Yup, so now I just finished submitting my online applications for admission to the University of Phoenix Master of Arts in Education/Adult Training and Education program. This will take 21 months or less to complete. It is supposed to permit me to "develop skills to work with adult learners in areas such as corporate training, community college instruction, non-profit and community based organizations, human services agencies, or professional development". Pretty impressive, huh? Lol, I just tried to pick something that was broad enough to allow me to work in both public and private sectors that will build on my strengths in both the business and teaching arenas and that will allow me to still fulfill my passion for educating. Except now I won't get to work with those darling children whose brains are still soaking up the world around them, but will be dealing with spoiled adults who expect results and don't have time to play a game of hangman when the work is all done. Bummer, dude.

And yes, I am still looking for a job. Tick tock, tick tock. Scary shit man.

Catching Up...A Little

Sorry for the absence....well after more than 2 HOURS trying to upload a stinking talky video, the damn thing crashed and burned so I will just make it short and sweet so I can get to bed.

Kids, dog and I are now installed in our new little rental home which is in the school district where I wanted to end up long term. I am re-evaluating my career choices for long term. Will probably pursue a Master's degree after I secure some grants, scholarships, whatever to get it done. Most likely online since I think I need to work to save up and help with the bills. Money has been tight, but I am thankful I am getting the support payments on time :-).

I guess the tenants who lived here before me really trashed the place so I am benefitting by having newly painted walls, carpeting, etc., which is nice. But my landlord is a little slow on response time to finishing up projects. In addition to the tenants being slobs, I guess their holiday decorations were over-the-top tacky. I mean they were infamous on this street. Everyone seems to have a comment about their decorating style from end-to-end on this street. I'm picturing a mixture of Chevy Chase Xmas Vacation style meets Roseanne Barr. So the pressure is on this year for me to do a nice job. Good thing I sold most of the yard stuff in CA or I might get booed out lol.

My babies are my saving grace, as well as my energy suckers. I have been finding as many free/cheap activities for us to take advantage of in the nice weather since they have no clue that snow is actually COLD!!! So we have been bike riding, going to the playground nearly every day (oh yeah, did I mention I now have to WALK our dog since we don't have a fenced in yard and there is no doggie door?). That nonsense is going to stop once the first snowflake falls, I tell ya! Anyhoo, we also have checked out all the nearby city pools to find the one we like the best. It was too late for me to really sign the kids up for any summer activities (not to mention not in my budget), but depending on my employment future, I hope to get them better set up next year (day camp, swim team, etc). They are really quite active and don't like spending a lot of "down time" like most kids these days. But at least I have managed to cut down on their tv and video game time, thank God! And they have made new friends in our neighborhood so I am truly thankful that has helped them with this difficult transition period.

As for me, well I have my good days and bad which I guess will just be the norm for awhile. I miss being married. I miss the companionship and having a grown up in the house to talk to. I am trying not to pester my parents or my cousin too much by becoming "the thing that wouldn't leave" (if ya know what I mean). So on days when I feel blue, I just try to find things for the kids to do to take my mind off my sadness. I am glad to be in Ohio, but I am not glad for the reasons that brought me here. And the kids miss their daddy and want him to visit...

Okay, well I really need some sleep. Kids are at mom and dads this weekend spending the night and I don't have money to do anything so here I am blogging again. Oh well, at least it's free.

Oh, and here are a couple of pics of our new "nest"...

We're Here!

Okay, so first of all, let me say that I deleted the toxic "Anonymous" posting and comments just because I hate that negative energy on my blog. So, enuff said :-).

The kids and I made it safely to Ohio where we are settling in at my folks. I have decided to find a place of our own to nest while we save for a new house. It will probably take some time, but I prefer to move the kids to the area where the school system is better in case it takes me longer than a year to save up for a new place to live. Of course, paying rent will definitely mean it will take longer, but I'd rather have a house with a yard and a place for my Ginger dog to be with us. But I need to get busy on finding out how I can enroll for my teaching credential....after I secure some financial aid. I definitely cannot do it without aid since my rent will take up a big portion of the support income I will be getting. But I am anxious to earn some money of my own so that I feel secure in that respect.

Still no word from my attorney regarding whether the judge has signed the paperwork that allows me to remain out of state with the kids. Since Lance and I both agreed on this, I am hoping it is merely a formality. But will keep fingers and toes crossed and lots of prayers please.

That's all for now. I am remaining in "low radar" mode as we settle in. I will not be repeating my personal story regarding the how/when/where it all went down with the divorce. I don't want to keep that energy flowing and am concentrating on just moving forward and starting fresh. Thanks for all your love and support along the way. I will get more active on updating my blog after awhile, but need to live unplugged for a little while longer....so if you're not hearing from me by phone or e-mail, just please be patient...

xoxoxo

So Anyway.....

After all the other drama, I got back to packing and am just about finished. I will take a pic later so you can see. Thanks for all the e-mails of support...they mean alot. Sorry I haven't had time to reply to all of them. I will just make this post my big thanks to all my friends around the country and up North.

9 days to go.....

21 Days and Counting

Exactly 3 weeks from today my kids and I will be leaving our life in California and starting anew in Cleveland. Without a husband. Without a father to help share in the caregiving. Wow. I am still stunned by it all. I always thought moving back to Cleveland was never going to happen, and now that it is, I am finding it hard to wrap my mind around. Because of the way it is happening. Because instead of joy at reuniting with family and old friends, there is an incredible sadness and pain underlying it all for me and the kids. Because sometimes, like now, just thinking about walking away from this life I have made for myself out here in Looneyville makes me cry. Because I have made a good life for us....it was all finally coming together. Great friendships, relationships with teachers I have come to know and love, an awesome school for the kids, returning to school to get my teaching credential. All gone. Just like that.

No, it is not a death. Not of a family member. But, yes, it is a loss....my entire family has to find "a new normal" as Katie L. would say.

A week or so ago in the middle of the night while everyone slept but me, I found myself crying my guts out. Like the ugliest cry you never want anyone to see. For at least a half hour. Crying and rocking on the stairs, tears running off my chin and onto my chest without bothering to wipe them away. And let's not even talk about the snot. Whispering to myself "why is this happening? what did I do? how can I make it stop?" No answers. None. Never will be.

So many friends and family members have told me not to beat myself up. But divorce was something I never wanted to go through again. It hurt the first time, but at least there were no kids involved to get caught up in all the collateral damage. And there has been collateral damage aplenty.

Michael writes daily love notes to me on post-it notes and puts them by my bed. A constant reminder that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He is shaken by it all. The loss, the sudden ripping apart of his family. He says things like "why can't we just be a happy family and stay here?" or "can we miss the plane to Cleveland so we don't have to leave California? Cuz I was born here..." And Katie one night just started crying and said she didn't know why she was crying, then she cried out "I don't want to go to Cleveland, it's cold there and it's warm here".

It's not that we don't love Cleveland (hello, see my many posts about it), it's that we don't want to have to sacrifice our home and friends to go there.

But....I am not going to stay in spite of it all. It is so expensive and I don't have a full time job and salary and I can't rely on a second income and I'm scared of losing the house and having no where to go. And of course, I have the support of my parents and all those I love in Cleveland.

But I am also leaving a family member behind which makes me so incredibly sad. My older brother lives here and has not been as big a part of my life as he should have been. Not his fault...mine. Sure we talk on the phone and stay in touch and share birthdays when we can. But my dh never made him feel all that welcome and he never really reached out and so we drifted apart. Brian, I am sorry for that. You were the first one here in California to greet me and get me settled in and now you will be the last person we see before we get on the plane (he's taking us to the airport). Are you sure you won't come with us? I really want my family to be whole again. All of them. All of us.

The pictures of me are all down off the walls now. Except the engagement photo that was signed at our wedding which hangs over the bed. I haven't gotten to that one yet. But the kid's pictures are all packed away, and the wedding photo has been retired to the closet and all of them have been replaced by either bare walls or pictures of Lance with my stepson (who STILL doesn't even know this is happening, but that is another story), or replaced with generic photos. There is one picture remaining of all 3 kids that I gave to dh for father's day last year.

I am slowly disappearing from my own home and it makes me cry. I have worked so hard to make this house a home, even though it still needs paint and there is wallpaper peeling off the walls (well, okay Katie ripped it off and the cats did some damage), but it was always a place you could come in and relax and feel welcome I hope. Now it has boxes stacked where my old chair and ottoman used to be (sold), and so many other things have been sold or given away (believe me, I am not getting rich on yard sales out here!), and I know they're just THINGS but it pisses me off to have to get rid of them because they were MY things or the KIDS things that I bought for us and I shouldn't have to be doing this.

Breathe, Susan, just breathe.

And I go to work teaching every day, as if everything is normal. But it isn't.
I won't have my new normal for awhile I suspect. I will have to see how it all goes. And I am dreading the final goodbyes....for me and for the kids. Especially for the kids.

Please, God, let this be okay. Please.

Wishing....

I stayed up the other night making "wishing boxes" for all 3 of the kids. I have been writing them letters on each birthday reflecting on the accomplishments they had that year and what was going on in their lives. I have kept them tucked away in anticipation of giving them to the kids on their 18th birthdays. Now, with everything going on, I know I will need to give my oldest (stepson) his box early.


So, since I am not very crafty by nature, I had to rely on stick-on accessories. Inside each box I will put their birthday letters and various other things I have collected for them to be set aside for when they are older. In Bryan's box (my stepson) will go the buttoniere from my wedding to his father, along with the "unity necklace" we used to create our new family. I will keep the boxes for my younger 2 since I plan to continue to add things as the years go on. I will also put a letter to each of them on the inside of the lid that will list my wish for each. The boxes were made with things that symbolize this point in their lives.

Bryan has always loved frogs and I cannot see a frog without thinking of him. His box is decorated with frogs, tropical fish and since he is a teen, of course skulls and guitars on the lid.


Michael's box has guitars (he got one for Christmas and wants to learn to play), cars and stars, both of which he loves. And of course, he wanted "crosses for Jesus" so those are there as well.














And my little Katie, well of course she has the girlie box...Princess, pink, horses, flowers, butterflies and inspirational sayings of what I want for her.

Pain, Regrets and a Hopeful Ending

Today was not such a great day for me. It started off with less than 3 hours of sleep, so I kind of expected that by the end of the day I would be limping through.

I was subbing at my son's school as a "Rover" today...where I basically cover all day for various teachers who have conferences with parents for children who are struggling. Anyway, the day usually drags by as conferences are inevitably canceled by some, leaving large gaps of time to fill with nothing but thoughts and idle gossip.

Something I am having a hard time with these days....

But I got through the schedule and found myself at the end of the day waiting in the kindergarten room where my son was last year and where my daughter was supposed to be this fall. I was there watching my son and his friends while the boys' moms (one is a teacher and the other a parent involved in the last conference) were otherwise engaged. School was already out for the day, so I had the room to myself while the boys romped out back in the play yard.

Well...the combination of lack of sleep and all the emotions of a divorce and financial ruin, as well as being in the very room where I had spent so much time as both a teacher and a mother making friends with the 2 teachers who have helped me in countless ways...it just all caught up at once. As I looked around the room where I wanted my daughter to be next year and who now would not be coming here, I just started to cry. I mean really unleash. Thankful no one could see or hear me, I buried my sobs in wads of kleenex and tried to just let it pass over me. I remembered the first day of school for my son, and the first day that would not be for my daughter. Of course, she will have another first day of kindergarten, but it will not be the same.

The bank will be coming to take away our truck and RV next week. I think that also got to me. Because now, it really is real. This nightmare is really happening. I have been so wrapped up in trying to plan for the move, plan for the paperwork that needs to be filed, filling out forms and keeping things going for the kids, I have not had time to think about the difficult weeks ahead when the rending of hearts and possessions and family is to come. The "repo" is the first step of all of that. The memories I made with my family and the kids in the trailer (just last weekend at Cub Scout camp) are locked in walls of the trailer and the walls of my mind and heart. And now that trailer will be someone else's family dream and happy ending.

I know it is just a possession. I know that in my head. But my heart does not understand just yet. The taking away, the release, the letting it all go. I just don't feel ready.

So then the regrets kicked in. Did I fight hard enough for all of us? What if I had refused to allow the divorce (is that even possible?). What if I told him to just go live apart for awhile and let us continue on and see how we ended up? Would it have worked? Would it have been any easier? I keep getting stuck between the then, the now and the yet to come. Forward is hard for me right now. I'm stuck in pause mode, rewind, replay. The what-ifs, could-haves, should-haves and what-could-I-have-done differently world of insecurities and doubt.

I called friends and family just to hear a friendly voice, but no one was home or available...and I thought, well better get used to this. You won't always have someone to talk to when you need it. People have lives to get on with. That's just the way it is. I get that.

I keep getting scared the closer I get to the move (whenever exactly that will be is still getting worked out), like a child who doesn't want to get in the dentist's chair for the first time. You know you have to, you know it is coming, but you're scared of all the pain and the unknown. I have to succeed, I must, I have 2 children depending on that. The thought of going to the airport for that emotional plane ride when I will once again be leaving people I have loved (and still love) dearly behind and hoping that the future at the other end will all be okay. Like it was supposed to be this time.

And no, I do not HATE California...I was just trying to get used to it's differences. The weather has been beautiful (spring here has always been my favorite season), the scenery is still breathtaking. No cars are stained by salt and rust. The people (teachers, moms, friends) have been sweeter and more embracing this year. It was all coming together for me just as it all fell apart. The irony of it all....

And then I was looking at pictures from this past Valentine's day (you know, the one where all the firemen had the wives come to the station and my husband cooked this killer meal and we all got wined and dined and feted with roses?) That one, yeah, a mere 2 months ago. And when I asked him about all that, he said "that wasn't my idea, they just asked if I would cook". Great. He was just going through the motions while I was happily soaking up all the "love" and chatting up the other fire wives. All a sham. All of it. Ouch ouch ouch please God make it stop!

Grieving...in my own way. I know there are other friends of mine who have April and May marked by sadness now as never before so mine is certainly not to be compared. But now, I must say, spring is kinda ruined for me. Maybe it will awaken again sometime. But....my last marriage broke up in April and the divorce was final in December and it kinda looks like history will be repeating itself exactly 15 years later. April....the birth months of my daughter, father (and sweet Stephanie), and December, the birth month of my son and another famous Son we all celebrate. The sweet mixed with the sour. Ah, life.

I'm struggling to find the funny these days. I can do it in conversations and small talk with friends because my sense of humor is what always has saved me. But it is the private moments like the one in the classroom today or the darkness of night while my children lay sleeping beside me that threaten to take me under.

I know I'm not alone...I have many of you friends following along, and thank you for being here. And of course, my family (mom, dad, brothers, cousins, Cleveland buddies) who have been so supportive and loving. But at the end of the day, it is me who I must lean on the most so my kids will be okay. It is so much harder to be strong for all 3 of us than it is for just me. Thank God I have my family. Thank God indeed. And while I cannot wait to see them, I hate that this is no longer my home. It is killing me to leave it. It was my first (and only) home that I ever bought and I made it a loving place and now I have to just walk away from it.

Did I mention how much I hate all this?

************************************

P.S. Just after I posted this, the most amazing thing happened. As I lay here with my kids, all of us too hot to sleep, my Ipod (which is hooked up to a docking station so it plays thru a speaker) came on all by itself and played the song "No Day but Today" from the Rent soundtrack. How cool is that? I told the kids (who were a little spooked) that it was a miracle of love to remind me I really am not alone and today is what I have to be thankful for. Thanks Grandma...I know it was you. Mom, she was here because she knew you couldn't be right now. How cool is that? I felt it, I felt her. My alone just vanished. I told my kids we just got a visit from someone who loves us and is watching out for us. They really thought it was awesome and we will all go to sleep with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts. I feel so much better now.....

P.P.S. I know some of you may think that it's all hooey to believe in these "signs" or miracles, but you don't have to. I do and it's all I needed....

Insomnia Rambler

I know I said I wouldn't be here for awhile, but I find myself unable to sleep even though I'm exhausted. Emotionally drained. Tired of it all. So I figured I'd do a rambler to get it out of my head...

• I'm pissed at so many things right now and it is not a good state of mind for me (or my kids).
• I don't want to leave but I don't want to stay either.
• I wish this was all behind me so I could feel like I'm going forward again.
• Why do I have to give up my dog too? It just isn't fair...none of it is.
• I need to cry some more but I feel like I don't have the time.
• I think my weight loss got derailed in all this mess and that is just one more thing that is pissing me off.
• Hard work gets you nothing more than more hard work.
• I want my happy ending. I need it.
• My kids are the best thing that have ever happened to me.
• I'm scared to be a single parent.
• All my plans seem not to matter anymore...now I just have to make new ones all over again.
• I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but I'm allowing it this time.
• Every day I just feel like I'm knocked over before I can even get up.
• I thought he would love me forever. I thought he knew me and loved me exactly the way I was. I thought I finally found someone who accepted all my flaws and loved me anyway. Maybe that man doesn't exist for me.
• My life doesn't really belong to me anymore...it's all for the kids now but I have no one (man) to share that with. That makes me so unbearably sad.
• Of course I am grateful for my family....mom and dad thank you so much again for always being there.
• I want my mommy......
• I hate the way I feel and my head hurts all the time (and my heart).
• I can't get my head around why this is all happening and don't think it will ever make sense to me.
• Just when I think I have a handle on things, the sadness settles back in and here I am typing and crying about it all.
• Mom, I know this is weird but it helps me. My deepest thoughts are offline. This is only scratching the surface.
• I don't want to think about it all but I can't help it.
• I wish I didn't have to teach tomorrow because my heart is not in it right now. My patience level right now sucks.
• I AM SO MAD I COULD SCREAM!!!!!

I hope I'm more tired now. But I'm sure as soon as I lay down it will start right up again. I stay awake until I pass out pretty much. Sorry, this wasn't much fun for me either....

Thanks for listening.

Signing Off For Awhile

Well....there is alot going on in my life right now. I know at the end of the road it will all be okay, but there will be alot of bumps and bruises getting there. This is a tough time for me and the kids and I have been absent for a reason.

I'm moving back to Ohio with my babies. I will no longer be married....and the shock is still settling. I have little time to get my life here wrapped up and little time to get things rolling for the new school year in the fall. Alot is happening, as I said.

I am thankful to have the love and support of family and friends. That is all for now. I won't be here for awhile and will let you know when I get through all this.

Until then...peace and love as always....