What I Have Learned This Summer....

• I am stronger than I thought, but able to be weak and vulnerable
• My family is the best!!! (but I already knew that)
• Uncertainty is paralyzing
• My kids can be my greatest teachers
• Having time just for me is okay
• My parents are the best safety net EVER!!! Thanks mom and dad for ALL you have done...I love you more than I can say....
• I love my old friends, and am looking forward to the new ones I make each day
• I'm so happy that my kids have found so many new playmates here
• I missed so much about my hometown, but now I still miss alot about California
• I'm not as bad as some people want you to think I am....
• Being a Bitch sometimes isn't necessarily always a bad thing....
• I look good in black (think about that a little)
• I love the smell of barbecue and the sound of old friends talking and laughing while they enjoy a meal together
• Kids will still be okay if they ride without a bike helmet sometimes
• Being a single mom is scary, but I have alot of help
• I don't want to be divorced, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me for who I am and will always be. It is sad all the way around.
• I wish my kids didn't have to go through any of this
• It's okay if your kids stay in your bed once in awhile, cuddling is never a bad thing...
• I love people saying hello on the street to strangers...I missed it!
• All in all, life is GOOD!!!

Obama Drama - Enough Already!!!!

As always, Ms. Sara Holbrook has put into words that which I feel better than I can. I hope you don't mind Sara, but I wanted to make sure those meager few who visit my blog understand how I feel about this, and since you were so eloquent, I am linking your words to mine...


http://saraholbrook.blogspot.com/2009/09/obamas-speech-to-students.html

Something Old, Something New

Got a new (used) couch today from my landlord's sister-in-law - SCORE! The color doesn't match a darn thing in the living room, but hey, that's what slip covers are for, right? It is in very good shape, nice and comfy and soft. At least now the kids and I can share seating and (gasp) I can invite people over without telling them to bring their own chair. And although I swore I would never own another second-hand piece of furniture again now that I am starting over, never turn your nose up at free furniture is the lesson du jour. After all, when I finally get around to buying the sofa of my dreams (whatever THAT is), this one can migrate to the basement where the kids can use it in their play area.

Ahh...life is good....

Ready, Set, Breathe....

What have I been up to, you ask? Mostly keeping the kids busy with outdoor activities to soak up all the good weather which they have no idea will someday come to an abrupt end. But I have also been having to re-evaluate "what I want to be when I grow up" and other earth-shattering choices now that my life has been completely (involuntarily) rearranged for me. I'm still pissed about that....

So, anyhoo....I spent so much of my energy in the last few months (since April 10th to be exact - the day I found out my marriage was ending and my life would never be the same) just focusing my time on getting through. Getting through whatever days of substitute teaching I could wrangle to put money in my pocket for the moving expenses. Getting through trying to explain what was happening to the kids. Getting through grappling with the end of my marriage. Getting through packing up my entire life (again!), which included a household, 2 kids and a dog, to get back to Ohio. Getting through financial ruin and the meetings with the attorney to discuss the end of my excellent credit rating and the beginning of my divorce. And getting through staying in the same house with the man who chose to end it all for all of us.

So we arrived exactly one week after my son finished the school year. It was a whirlwind, to say the least. I sold nearly every scrap of furniture I owned (at a major loss, believe me) just to avoid the storage and moving costs. I had garage sales like a madwoman and gave away thousands of dollars of things I had treasured and moved clear across the country the first time when I came to California because I could no longer afford to keep them in storage and was unsure what my final living arrangements would be. So all those Halloween and Christmas decorations (believe me, I love the holidays and the kids all loved my decorations) were sold (let's face it, I gave them away, I didn't make much), with the exception of a few boxes I could not part with so the kids and I would still have things to put up on the holidays. All the money I managed to make went toward the cost of the attorney, moving costs (most of which were borne by my parents who thankfully loaned me the money so I could leave), and everyday living expenses, since I was now cutoff from our joint accounts.

So here we were, a mom and 2 young kids (and 1 dog) who had no job, no idea where her life was going, less than 1/2 the amount of belongings we once had, and living with my parents. Not the end of the world, but what a change.

The kids spent the first month or so playing with their friends on my parents' street (thankfully they had playmates, which has been a blessing) while I frantically kept moving to figure out where I wanted to live. I wanted the kids to end up in the school district that was best for them where I could afford to rent a house. I needed to get that all done before the start of school to avoid uprooting them from a new set of friends, since most friendships are formed at school. So within 2 weeks I had found us a place to live and once again my parents were there to help us out with furniture purchases, etc. So now I have gone from having no money and no debt to having no money and a shitload of debt. And still no job. Crap!

So once we were all settled in and thankfully there were kids around us in the same age group as my 2 babies, I was left alone with time to think about "where do I go from here?"

Can I just say that is a crappy position to be in when you are coming into your mid-forties and you had everything planned out regarding your career, family, etc? Well, it is.

I hit a wall. I simply could not muster the energy to give any more thought to doing one single thing. I had enough of planning, moving, stressing out, crying, screaming and all the rest. So I spent a fair amount of time simply avoiding making big decisions. I watched TV, I walked the dog and took the kids swimming and to the playground, hung out with friends and family and just simply soaked up time with my kids.

But now the summer is coming to a close, the kids are starting school in less than a week, and I will be home alone. And still broke. And still in divorce limbo (waiting for paperwork to be officially signed by courts). And still in a shitload of debt with rent to pay and groceries to buy.

Time to get a job and get going. Teaching elementary school at this point is not an option for me. I do not have my teaching certification, there are zero jobs in my kids school district (not even administrative jobs), and any substitute teaching work I could get elsewhere would not give me benefits, which I am shortly going to need since mine will be gone as soon as things are final. Tick tock, tick tock.

Why not get a Master's degree? That way, I could strengthen my resume, take classes online around my (hopefully) work schedule and the kids school time, and take advantage of being dead-ass broke by getting financial aid. Of course, I will have to pay it all back since graduate students don't qualify for grants or scholarships, but hell, what's another $20k added to the pile, right?

Yup, so now I just finished submitting my online applications for admission to the University of Phoenix Master of Arts in Education/Adult Training and Education program. This will take 21 months or less to complete. It is supposed to permit me to "develop skills to work with adult learners in areas such as corporate training, community college instruction, non-profit and community based organizations, human services agencies, or professional development". Pretty impressive, huh? Lol, I just tried to pick something that was broad enough to allow me to work in both public and private sectors that will build on my strengths in both the business and teaching arenas and that will allow me to still fulfill my passion for educating. Except now I won't get to work with those darling children whose brains are still soaking up the world around them, but will be dealing with spoiled adults who expect results and don't have time to play a game of hangman when the work is all done. Bummer, dude.

And yes, I am still looking for a job. Tick tock, tick tock. Scary shit man.

Catching Up...A Little

Sorry for the absence....well after more than 2 HOURS trying to upload a stinking talky video, the damn thing crashed and burned so I will just make it short and sweet so I can get to bed.

Kids, dog and I are now installed in our new little rental home which is in the school district where I wanted to end up long term. I am re-evaluating my career choices for long term. Will probably pursue a Master's degree after I secure some grants, scholarships, whatever to get it done. Most likely online since I think I need to work to save up and help with the bills. Money has been tight, but I am thankful I am getting the support payments on time :-).

I guess the tenants who lived here before me really trashed the place so I am benefitting by having newly painted walls, carpeting, etc., which is nice. But my landlord is a little slow on response time to finishing up projects. In addition to the tenants being slobs, I guess their holiday decorations were over-the-top tacky. I mean they were infamous on this street. Everyone seems to have a comment about their decorating style from end-to-end on this street. I'm picturing a mixture of Chevy Chase Xmas Vacation style meets Roseanne Barr. So the pressure is on this year for me to do a nice job. Good thing I sold most of the yard stuff in CA or I might get booed out lol.

My babies are my saving grace, as well as my energy suckers. I have been finding as many free/cheap activities for us to take advantage of in the nice weather since they have no clue that snow is actually COLD!!! So we have been bike riding, going to the playground nearly every day (oh yeah, did I mention I now have to WALK our dog since we don't have a fenced in yard and there is no doggie door?). That nonsense is going to stop once the first snowflake falls, I tell ya! Anyhoo, we also have checked out all the nearby city pools to find the one we like the best. It was too late for me to really sign the kids up for any summer activities (not to mention not in my budget), but depending on my employment future, I hope to get them better set up next year (day camp, swim team, etc). They are really quite active and don't like spending a lot of "down time" like most kids these days. But at least I have managed to cut down on their tv and video game time, thank God! And they have made new friends in our neighborhood so I am truly thankful that has helped them with this difficult transition period.

As for me, well I have my good days and bad which I guess will just be the norm for awhile. I miss being married. I miss the companionship and having a grown up in the house to talk to. I am trying not to pester my parents or my cousin too much by becoming "the thing that wouldn't leave" (if ya know what I mean). So on days when I feel blue, I just try to find things for the kids to do to take my mind off my sadness. I am glad to be in Ohio, but I am not glad for the reasons that brought me here. And the kids miss their daddy and want him to visit...

Okay, well I really need some sleep. Kids are at mom and dads this weekend spending the night and I don't have money to do anything so here I am blogging again. Oh well, at least it's free.

Oh, and here are a couple of pics of our new "nest"...

We're Here!

Okay, so first of all, let me say that I deleted the toxic "Anonymous" posting and comments just because I hate that negative energy on my blog. So, enuff said :-).

The kids and I made it safely to Ohio where we are settling in at my folks. I have decided to find a place of our own to nest while we save for a new house. It will probably take some time, but I prefer to move the kids to the area where the school system is better in case it takes me longer than a year to save up for a new place to live. Of course, paying rent will definitely mean it will take longer, but I'd rather have a house with a yard and a place for my Ginger dog to be with us. But I need to get busy on finding out how I can enroll for my teaching credential....after I secure some financial aid. I definitely cannot do it without aid since my rent will take up a big portion of the support income I will be getting. But I am anxious to earn some money of my own so that I feel secure in that respect.

Still no word from my attorney regarding whether the judge has signed the paperwork that allows me to remain out of state with the kids. Since Lance and I both agreed on this, I am hoping it is merely a formality. But will keep fingers and toes crossed and lots of prayers please.

That's all for now. I am remaining in "low radar" mode as we settle in. I will not be repeating my personal story regarding the how/when/where it all went down with the divorce. I don't want to keep that energy flowing and am concentrating on just moving forward and starting fresh. Thanks for all your love and support along the way. I will get more active on updating my blog after awhile, but need to live unplugged for a little while longer....so if you're not hearing from me by phone or e-mail, just please be patient...

xoxoxo

So Anyway.....

After all the other drama, I got back to packing and am just about finished. I will take a pic later so you can see. Thanks for all the e-mails of support...they mean alot. Sorry I haven't had time to reply to all of them. I will just make this post my big thanks to all my friends around the country and up North.

9 days to go.....

21 Days and Counting

Exactly 3 weeks from today my kids and I will be leaving our life in California and starting anew in Cleveland. Without a husband. Without a father to help share in the caregiving. Wow. I am still stunned by it all. I always thought moving back to Cleveland was never going to happen, and now that it is, I am finding it hard to wrap my mind around. Because of the way it is happening. Because instead of joy at reuniting with family and old friends, there is an incredible sadness and pain underlying it all for me and the kids. Because sometimes, like now, just thinking about walking away from this life I have made for myself out here in Looneyville makes me cry. Because I have made a good life for us....it was all finally coming together. Great friendships, relationships with teachers I have come to know and love, an awesome school for the kids, returning to school to get my teaching credential. All gone. Just like that.

No, it is not a death. Not of a family member. But, yes, it is a loss....my entire family has to find "a new normal" as Katie L. would say.

A week or so ago in the middle of the night while everyone slept but me, I found myself crying my guts out. Like the ugliest cry you never want anyone to see. For at least a half hour. Crying and rocking on the stairs, tears running off my chin and onto my chest without bothering to wipe them away. And let's not even talk about the snot. Whispering to myself "why is this happening? what did I do? how can I make it stop?" No answers. None. Never will be.

So many friends and family members have told me not to beat myself up. But divorce was something I never wanted to go through again. It hurt the first time, but at least there were no kids involved to get caught up in all the collateral damage. And there has been collateral damage aplenty.

Michael writes daily love notes to me on post-it notes and puts them by my bed. A constant reminder that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He is shaken by it all. The loss, the sudden ripping apart of his family. He says things like "why can't we just be a happy family and stay here?" or "can we miss the plane to Cleveland so we don't have to leave California? Cuz I was born here..." And Katie one night just started crying and said she didn't know why she was crying, then she cried out "I don't want to go to Cleveland, it's cold there and it's warm here".

It's not that we don't love Cleveland (hello, see my many posts about it), it's that we don't want to have to sacrifice our home and friends to go there.

But....I am not going to stay in spite of it all. It is so expensive and I don't have a full time job and salary and I can't rely on a second income and I'm scared of losing the house and having no where to go. And of course, I have the support of my parents and all those I love in Cleveland.

But I am also leaving a family member behind which makes me so incredibly sad. My older brother lives here and has not been as big a part of my life as he should have been. Not his fault...mine. Sure we talk on the phone and stay in touch and share birthdays when we can. But my dh never made him feel all that welcome and he never really reached out and so we drifted apart. Brian, I am sorry for that. You were the first one here in California to greet me and get me settled in and now you will be the last person we see before we get on the plane (he's taking us to the airport). Are you sure you won't come with us? I really want my family to be whole again. All of them. All of us.

The pictures of me are all down off the walls now. Except the engagement photo that was signed at our wedding which hangs over the bed. I haven't gotten to that one yet. But the kid's pictures are all packed away, and the wedding photo has been retired to the closet and all of them have been replaced by either bare walls or pictures of Lance with my stepson (who STILL doesn't even know this is happening, but that is another story), or replaced with generic photos. There is one picture remaining of all 3 kids that I gave to dh for father's day last year.

I am slowly disappearing from my own home and it makes me cry. I have worked so hard to make this house a home, even though it still needs paint and there is wallpaper peeling off the walls (well, okay Katie ripped it off and the cats did some damage), but it was always a place you could come in and relax and feel welcome I hope. Now it has boxes stacked where my old chair and ottoman used to be (sold), and so many other things have been sold or given away (believe me, I am not getting rich on yard sales out here!), and I know they're just THINGS but it pisses me off to have to get rid of them because they were MY things or the KIDS things that I bought for us and I shouldn't have to be doing this.

Breathe, Susan, just breathe.

And I go to work teaching every day, as if everything is normal. But it isn't.
I won't have my new normal for awhile I suspect. I will have to see how it all goes. And I am dreading the final goodbyes....for me and for the kids. Especially for the kids.

Please, God, let this be okay. Please.

Wishing....

I stayed up the other night making "wishing boxes" for all 3 of the kids. I have been writing them letters on each birthday reflecting on the accomplishments they had that year and what was going on in their lives. I have kept them tucked away in anticipation of giving them to the kids on their 18th birthdays. Now, with everything going on, I know I will need to give my oldest (stepson) his box early.


So, since I am not very crafty by nature, I had to rely on stick-on accessories. Inside each box I will put their birthday letters and various other things I have collected for them to be set aside for when they are older. In Bryan's box (my stepson) will go the buttoniere from my wedding to his father, along with the "unity necklace" we used to create our new family. I will keep the boxes for my younger 2 since I plan to continue to add things as the years go on. I will also put a letter to each of them on the inside of the lid that will list my wish for each. The boxes were made with things that symbolize this point in their lives.

Bryan has always loved frogs and I cannot see a frog without thinking of him. His box is decorated with frogs, tropical fish and since he is a teen, of course skulls and guitars on the lid.


Michael's box has guitars (he got one for Christmas and wants to learn to play), cars and stars, both of which he loves. And of course, he wanted "crosses for Jesus" so those are there as well.














And my little Katie, well of course she has the girlie box...Princess, pink, horses, flowers, butterflies and inspirational sayings of what I want for her.

Pain, Regrets and a Hopeful Ending

Today was not such a great day for me. It started off with less than 3 hours of sleep, so I kind of expected that by the end of the day I would be limping through.

I was subbing at my son's school as a "Rover" today...where I basically cover all day for various teachers who have conferences with parents for children who are struggling. Anyway, the day usually drags by as conferences are inevitably canceled by some, leaving large gaps of time to fill with nothing but thoughts and idle gossip.

Something I am having a hard time with these days....

But I got through the schedule and found myself at the end of the day waiting in the kindergarten room where my son was last year and where my daughter was supposed to be this fall. I was there watching my son and his friends while the boys' moms (one is a teacher and the other a parent involved in the last conference) were otherwise engaged. School was already out for the day, so I had the room to myself while the boys romped out back in the play yard.

Well...the combination of lack of sleep and all the emotions of a divorce and financial ruin, as well as being in the very room where I had spent so much time as both a teacher and a mother making friends with the 2 teachers who have helped me in countless ways...it just all caught up at once. As I looked around the room where I wanted my daughter to be next year and who now would not be coming here, I just started to cry. I mean really unleash. Thankful no one could see or hear me, I buried my sobs in wads of kleenex and tried to just let it pass over me. I remembered the first day of school for my son, and the first day that would not be for my daughter. Of course, she will have another first day of kindergarten, but it will not be the same.

The bank will be coming to take away our truck and RV next week. I think that also got to me. Because now, it really is real. This nightmare is really happening. I have been so wrapped up in trying to plan for the move, plan for the paperwork that needs to be filed, filling out forms and keeping things going for the kids, I have not had time to think about the difficult weeks ahead when the rending of hearts and possessions and family is to come. The "repo" is the first step of all of that. The memories I made with my family and the kids in the trailer (just last weekend at Cub Scout camp) are locked in walls of the trailer and the walls of my mind and heart. And now that trailer will be someone else's family dream and happy ending.

I know it is just a possession. I know that in my head. But my heart does not understand just yet. The taking away, the release, the letting it all go. I just don't feel ready.

So then the regrets kicked in. Did I fight hard enough for all of us? What if I had refused to allow the divorce (is that even possible?). What if I told him to just go live apart for awhile and let us continue on and see how we ended up? Would it have worked? Would it have been any easier? I keep getting stuck between the then, the now and the yet to come. Forward is hard for me right now. I'm stuck in pause mode, rewind, replay. The what-ifs, could-haves, should-haves and what-could-I-have-done differently world of insecurities and doubt.

I called friends and family just to hear a friendly voice, but no one was home or available...and I thought, well better get used to this. You won't always have someone to talk to when you need it. People have lives to get on with. That's just the way it is. I get that.

I keep getting scared the closer I get to the move (whenever exactly that will be is still getting worked out), like a child who doesn't want to get in the dentist's chair for the first time. You know you have to, you know it is coming, but you're scared of all the pain and the unknown. I have to succeed, I must, I have 2 children depending on that. The thought of going to the airport for that emotional plane ride when I will once again be leaving people I have loved (and still love) dearly behind and hoping that the future at the other end will all be okay. Like it was supposed to be this time.

And no, I do not HATE California...I was just trying to get used to it's differences. The weather has been beautiful (spring here has always been my favorite season), the scenery is still breathtaking. No cars are stained by salt and rust. The people (teachers, moms, friends) have been sweeter and more embracing this year. It was all coming together for me just as it all fell apart. The irony of it all....

And then I was looking at pictures from this past Valentine's day (you know, the one where all the firemen had the wives come to the station and my husband cooked this killer meal and we all got wined and dined and feted with roses?) That one, yeah, a mere 2 months ago. And when I asked him about all that, he said "that wasn't my idea, they just asked if I would cook". Great. He was just going through the motions while I was happily soaking up all the "love" and chatting up the other fire wives. All a sham. All of it. Ouch ouch ouch please God make it stop!

Grieving...in my own way. I know there are other friends of mine who have April and May marked by sadness now as never before so mine is certainly not to be compared. But now, I must say, spring is kinda ruined for me. Maybe it will awaken again sometime. But....my last marriage broke up in April and the divorce was final in December and it kinda looks like history will be repeating itself exactly 15 years later. April....the birth months of my daughter, father (and sweet Stephanie), and December, the birth month of my son and another famous Son we all celebrate. The sweet mixed with the sour. Ah, life.

I'm struggling to find the funny these days. I can do it in conversations and small talk with friends because my sense of humor is what always has saved me. But it is the private moments like the one in the classroom today or the darkness of night while my children lay sleeping beside me that threaten to take me under.

I know I'm not alone...I have many of you friends following along, and thank you for being here. And of course, my family (mom, dad, brothers, cousins, Cleveland buddies) who have been so supportive and loving. But at the end of the day, it is me who I must lean on the most so my kids will be okay. It is so much harder to be strong for all 3 of us than it is for just me. Thank God I have my family. Thank God indeed. And while I cannot wait to see them, I hate that this is no longer my home. It is killing me to leave it. It was my first (and only) home that I ever bought and I made it a loving place and now I have to just walk away from it.

Did I mention how much I hate all this?

************************************

P.S. Just after I posted this, the most amazing thing happened. As I lay here with my kids, all of us too hot to sleep, my Ipod (which is hooked up to a docking station so it plays thru a speaker) came on all by itself and played the song "No Day but Today" from the Rent soundtrack. How cool is that? I told the kids (who were a little spooked) that it was a miracle of love to remind me I really am not alone and today is what I have to be thankful for. Thanks Grandma...I know it was you. Mom, she was here because she knew you couldn't be right now. How cool is that? I felt it, I felt her. My alone just vanished. I told my kids we just got a visit from someone who loves us and is watching out for us. They really thought it was awesome and we will all go to sleep with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts. I feel so much better now.....

P.P.S. I know some of you may think that it's all hooey to believe in these "signs" or miracles, but you don't have to. I do and it's all I needed....

Insomnia Rambler

I know I said I wouldn't be here for awhile, but I find myself unable to sleep even though I'm exhausted. Emotionally drained. Tired of it all. So I figured I'd do a rambler to get it out of my head...

• I'm pissed at so many things right now and it is not a good state of mind for me (or my kids).
• I don't want to leave but I don't want to stay either.
• I wish this was all behind me so I could feel like I'm going forward again.
• Why do I have to give up my dog too? It just isn't fair...none of it is.
• I need to cry some more but I feel like I don't have the time.
• I think my weight loss got derailed in all this mess and that is just one more thing that is pissing me off.
• Hard work gets you nothing more than more hard work.
• I want my happy ending. I need it.
• My kids are the best thing that have ever happened to me.
• I'm scared to be a single parent.
• All my plans seem not to matter anymore...now I just have to make new ones all over again.
• I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but I'm allowing it this time.
• Every day I just feel like I'm knocked over before I can even get up.
• I thought he would love me forever. I thought he knew me and loved me exactly the way I was. I thought I finally found someone who accepted all my flaws and loved me anyway. Maybe that man doesn't exist for me.
• My life doesn't really belong to me anymore...it's all for the kids now but I have no one (man) to share that with. That makes me so unbearably sad.
• Of course I am grateful for my family....mom and dad thank you so much again for always being there.
• I want my mommy......
• I hate the way I feel and my head hurts all the time (and my heart).
• I can't get my head around why this is all happening and don't think it will ever make sense to me.
• Just when I think I have a handle on things, the sadness settles back in and here I am typing and crying about it all.
• Mom, I know this is weird but it helps me. My deepest thoughts are offline. This is only scratching the surface.
• I don't want to think about it all but I can't help it.
• I wish I didn't have to teach tomorrow because my heart is not in it right now. My patience level right now sucks.
• I AM SO MAD I COULD SCREAM!!!!!

I hope I'm more tired now. But I'm sure as soon as I lay down it will start right up again. I stay awake until I pass out pretty much. Sorry, this wasn't much fun for me either....

Thanks for listening.

Signing Off For Awhile

Well....there is alot going on in my life right now. I know at the end of the road it will all be okay, but there will be alot of bumps and bruises getting there. This is a tough time for me and the kids and I have been absent for a reason.

I'm moving back to Ohio with my babies. I will no longer be married....and the shock is still settling. I have little time to get my life here wrapped up and little time to get things rolling for the new school year in the fall. Alot is happening, as I said.

I am thankful to have the love and support of family and friends. That is all for now. I won't be here for awhile and will let you know when I get through all this.

Until then...peace and love as always....

My Baby and Me

So yesterday morning after I drop my son off at school, my baby and I (and our dog) head out to a local area where I like to go walking. I am determined to stay on top of my "cardio" (if you wanna call it that), and early morning is always best.

For some reason, the sidewalks and grass are quite wet in some places, and my little one soon discovers the joys of riding her bike through puddles. What she doesn't realize (or probably care much about, not having to do the laundry yet), is the faster you go, the more dirty water gets sprayed on your behind and your pant legs. But she is eating it up. She pedals as fast as she can on to the next puddle, and up ahead I can hear her little voice calling out "That was AWESOME!" She returns again and again to the biggest puddle she can find to enjoy her newest outdoor experience.

I loved every minute of it.

I watched her indulge in such a simple pleasure and it took me back to that first time when we all figured out how cool it was to go flying through a big old puddle and watch the water spray around our legs. We didn't care if we all looked like a bike had ridden up our backsides and down our legs either. And then we learned how to bend our knees and pull our legs up near the handlebars as the pedals spun around by themselves. Yup, she figured that out too.

It's the simple moments in life....

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jigg

So the kids and I have been back home in SoCal for 4.5 days now and they quickly went right back into their old routines (can you say X-box?). The weather as soon as we arrived (I'll tell you about the harrowing flight details in a minute) was a balmy 68 degrees - at 8:00 p.m.!

About the flight....let me just say, while I was waiting at the Cleveland airport for our flight to board, I watched our Pilot get out to do the visual plane inspection. I was thrilled to see he was an older gentleman, since I think veteran pilots obviously are more seasoned for handling emergencies. So that put me at ease. However, I also knew the weather coming in from the west, probably around Illinois, was extremely windy. I watched The View last week, which had a feature where Whoopi "flies" on a simulator to overcome her intense fear of flying. When they asked about turbulence, the pilot said that turbulence ALONE would never bring down a plane. I kept that piece of information in my head and repeated it when things got rough...as you will soon see.

The takeoff was relatively smooth, there was the usual customary bumping, creaking, and vibrating that makes me think the roof is going to be ripped right off and we're all going to either get sucked out or have gigantic metal pieces embedded in our skin (remember when that happened on that Hawaiian flight?). I am a nervous flyer when it comes to take-offs and landings, having experienced some that were none too pleasant. I always watch for the drink cart to come out, which tells me that we have leveled off and the flight crew feels comfortable enough to move about the cabin. If I didn't have the kids with me, I probably would have had a glass of wine (or 2).

Anyway, about an hour or two into the flight I notice we seem to be descending somewhat. Then, we hit the WORST turbulence I have ever felt in my years of flying! I expect the normal up and down movement where you feel your stomach going up into your throat and then plummeting back to its intended position, only to be repeated several times. However, this time, there was actual SIDE TO SIDE LURCHING, whereby the 2 drinks I was trying to hold onto went sloshing out of the cup and onto my poor son's lap, drenching him in an unflattering area (crotch). The kids were trying to decide whether or not we were all going to die and kept looking to me for some reassurance. All I really wanted to do was start screaming. I tried to smile and say, "oooh, just like a roller coaster, huh?", not sure if they could detect the sheer terror in my eyes. I now know what the saying "her blood ran cold" means...my hands and feet literally were ice cold since all the blood had deserted my limbs and was clustering around my heart to keep it from dying on the spot.

The pilot got on the intercom (I'm always amazed by how calm they sound even when shit is bouncing around the cabin) and announces that "this will all be over in a minute folks. please make sure your seat belt is secure and do NOT get up". Yeah, no kidding! Anyone not already buckled in would have either been on the ceiling or sprawled in the aisle crawling around and whimpering. After what seemed like an hour, but was more likely 3-5 minutes, we finally leveled out and found smooth air. My hands were shaking and I was having a hard time composing myself. The flight attendant actually started walking up the aisle to check and make sure everyone was okay. I'm amazed no one threw up.

The rest of the flight was uneventful, but when we started our descent for landing, as soon as there was the least amount of turbulence I found my hands gripping the seat and my blood deserting my limbs again. I have never been so thankful to be on solid ground.

It's good to be home, but we all miss the grandparents. Thanks again Mom, Dad and Tim for an awesome visit. And for my cousins and all my friends, can't wait to see you again!!!

TGIF

Here's my last talky from my trip. I'll be busy today and tomorrow soaking up time with family. I've enjoyed our time here but I miss my Papa bear....

BTW, if you like coming here, sign up as a follower....it looks kinda sad to see only 2 readers when I know there are many more :-) Peace and love!

Happy Birthday Liz!

Here's a Tuesday Talkie.....keeping it real!

Cleveland Rocks!

Ok, first of all, what is with the video stopping in the LEAST flattering frame? I mean, hello! I look like I'm stoned or something.....anyhoo...

Well, bloggers, I am loving C-town! Every time I come back and hook up with my friends (who are still there for me after 20+ years even though I don't live here anymore) and my family, it rejuvenates me. You can always pick up exactly where you left off. The people never change, they just get older. But the scene is still the same. Last night I met my friend Debbie at a "dive bar" where the patrons were mostly my age or older to see a local rock band (Alias) that she likes. I was apprehensive to say the least. I mean, I haven't been in that scene for YEARS! So when I first walked in, and was blasted with the sounds of the band right inside the door, I just thought, ok, here we go, buckle up! I sat uncomfortably at a high top table with a beer (something else I rarely drink anymore) and watched in amazement all the old rocker chicks who still had their hair either feathered or long and curly. They danced alone or with friends, they didn't care. They just wanted to rock out. No one was dressed up, there were a lot of leather jackets, hockey shirts, football shirts, tattoos, levis and beer and shots flowing. The music was so loud you had to scream to the person next to you to be heard (my voice and ears are still recovering). The smell of beer and alcohol was all around. The dart boards had been dimmed for the night in preparation for having the band, so the tables had been rearranged under the boards and were not in use. The solitary pool table just inside the door stayed busy all night long. I really wanted to play, but not tonight. There were no fruity drinks being served, nor wine either. Thankfully, the smell of smoke was not in the air, since smokers still had to go outside, but there was a steady stream of them going in and out throughout the evening.

Going to the bathroom and waiting in line with women in various stages of inebriation and having to wait for the single toilet that was available....we all made small talk and were friendly and introducing ourselves. When they found out I was visiting from California, they asked me what it was like. I found myself saying....I'm still a Cleveland girl no matter what. I have lived there for 11 years and have a husband and children whom I love dearly, but in all that time, I have only 1 dear friend who is like the kind you find in Cleveland, and a couple of former work buddies that I am in touch with but never make time to get together. And that's just it...no one makes time for each other. I went to my cousin's on Friday night, and they managed to get all my friends from way back when together in less than 2 day's notice. EVERYONE CAME! Even those who couldn't bring their spouses or girlfriends came because it was me and they wanted just to see me...it had been more than 10 years since I saw most of them. I was so grateful and happy and surrounded by love. It was amazing. I am soaking it all up. I am loving every minute.

And when I go back to CA, I will take these happy memories with me and look forward to my next visit. I will force my friends to see me more because I love it and need it. I will continue to teach my kids that this is what matters, the love of your family and friends. Nothing else. Not fancy cars or fancy clothes or what neighborhood you live in or who you know or any of those other superficial things that seem to drive life in La La Land. Humble beginnings, REAL people, genuine affection with people you know well or just have a connection with for the first time. This is what makes me who I am, these are my roots, these are my people. I love it, and them, dearly.

Talky Blog 2

Talkies are easier than typing....don't you love the freeze frame it got stopped on? BTW, the "farting noise" you hear in the videos is my mom's computer...NOT ME! :-)

Catch Up and Random

Hi blog buddies! Sorry for my prolonged absence...just seems like everything is moving in fast foward. Here is a brief update along with a viddy greeting from CLEVELAND, OHIO where the kids and I are visiting grammy and grampa. Hope to have a meetup with none other than Katie (Kelly's sis)! But waiting to hear back. If it happens, I'll post some pics. Anyway, we flew in last night/this a.m. on the Redeye so if I look bleary-eyed it's because I am. We went from 80 degree temps to somewhere in the 30's or 40's. We lost not only 3 hours, but 40 degrees! Finally got registered for all the classes I need to get started this spring! So my life will change drastically in terms of free time in a couple of weeks, which means even less blogging :-(. I'll do what I can. So here are my random thoughts for today:

• Girl drama seems to start earlier and earlier these days....like 3rd or 4th grade! I've been watching these girls being snarky at various schools and I just want to take them all and hug them and tell them to be kinder. It doesn't get any better with age.....


• My mom's scale says I weigh like 5 lbs less than my scale at home. I think I should pack it in my luggage.


• I love my husband for wanting me to take this trip to "re-charge" with my family...but I miss him so much. He stayed home to work.


• The teachers that are being lost to budget cuts in CA is almost criminal...unions are protecting the weak ones as usual and some of the brightest and most innovative minds to show up in our classrooms are getting cut. It totally sucks.


• So Obama made a social gaffe with the Special Olympics comment. Unfortunate, but once again, political correctness runs amok. I think we all know where he stands on the issue of Special Ed. Get over it everybody and grow a sense of humor. Gee, I can't recall ANY social gaffes made by our last Prez....


• I'm just too tired to say anything witty or funny so that's all for now folks!

911!! (Here we go again)...

Okay, first of all, I know I have not been writing as much lately. Just been picking up a lot of teaching jobs and getting stuff ready to return to school in a few weeks. But, as always, there is never a dull moment in our household...

This past Saturday, I awoke around 8:00 to my son telling me he smelled fire in the house. I was still groggy with sleep and kind of shrugged it off as the smell the furnace sometimes makes (you know, like the smell of burnt DUST when it has been shut off for awhile?). So I dragged my butt out of bed (hubby, the FIREFIGHTER was at work that day of course) and headed into the kids' room. Instantly I was on red alert, because I could smell fire too! Trying to avoid all out panic (those of my family who know me well understand I am not always the calmest person in the room during intense situations), I frantically started searching the room looking for smoke or flames. I found neither.

I went out into the hallway and stood directly under the crawl space (we don't have an attic) where all the home insulation (aka KINDLING) is...and the smell intensified. Still no sign of smoke or flame, but taking no chances, I told the kids to put on shoes and jackets and go out in the garage until I could decide the next step.

Well, the next step was escorting them downstairs and out to the garage, and checking to make sure the furnace wasn't on fire. Then I shut off the furnace (just in case), and headed back upstairs, phone in hand. Was I going to call 911? Not just yet, dear readers.....

So I call my darling at work and explain that I believe our house may be on fire, I just can't find the damn thing. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking "this cannot be happening, we don't have money to buy a new house and there won't be time to pack valuables and oh GOD what the hell am I gonna do?" But I haven't started screaming or running in circles yet.

So HE says, why the Hell are you calling ME when you should be on the phone with 911? Well, actually, that was after he started asking me silly questions like "what kind of fire? like wood smell or electrical smell?" Like I'm friggin certified in this area or something. I resist a smartass comment, but it is taking all my willpower, but at least it takes my mind of panicking and screaming momentarily, so I suppose I should be grateful.

Then he proceeds to tell me to go get a ladder and check the crawl space if I smell it up there. And he's irritated, like I'm bothering him or something. He finally says, "well, I'm in lineup and can't talk right now. What do you want me to do from here?" To which I respond, "well, I don't want to call 911 AGAIN after the last episode and have it turn out to be nothing". So anyway, I tell him I'll call him later and hang up while heading down to fetch the ladder. By now, the kids are wondering why they are milling around in the garage, so I tell them to just sit in the car, throw the cat in there with them (the other 2 are on their own, they pretty much live outside most of the time anyway), and also manage to get the dog corralled in the garage while I'm at it.

Okay, back upstairs. At least all this busy work is keeping me from the screaming and running in circles thing. Up I go, pressing the back of my hand to the crawlspace...feeling for heat. There is none. Now, I should say at this point, I have noticed the smell is not as strong as it was earlier. But my senses are a bit overwhelmed anyway, so I'm still convinced there is a fire somewhere. So I cautiously push up on the crawl space "door" (it's more like a small rectangular cutout) and peer upward. I can feel weight on the the "door" above me, so I don't push it up all the way, but I look around and am relieved to find no sign of fire.

I should have stopped there. Really.

Instead, I call my older brother (who also knows all about HVAC problems) and ask him what he thinks I should do....call 911 or let it go until I actually SEE visible signs of a fire. He says, might as well call to be safe, so okay, that's what I'm gonna do.

Fast forward to me hanging up from the 911 operator and tugging jeans and a shirt on since I absolutely VOW to never greet firemen in my pj's unless I absolutely HAVE to (I will also never call 911 if I'm on the toilet and need assistance no matter how bad it gets. But that's another blog). Then I'm thinking, hey, I should pull the truck out of the driveway to make some room so they can go through the garage. By now, the sirens are within earshot, the kids are all excited, the dog has now been relocated to the chain in our front yard, the cat has taken off and the kids have been shepherded to the steps at the neighbors. I'm running to jump in the truck and have just pulled out as the truck(S) pull up.

Yes, there are 3 of them. The whole dang city has come to my house. And the neighbors are naturally curious.

By now, the furnace has been off for 15 minutes. When I lead the ff's upstairs, the smell is completely GONE. I'm just the crazy lady who calls the fire department and squanders resources now. They check the crawl spaces anyway, search the rooms, send 2 trucks back to their stations, and as a last courtesy, look in the furnace for any signs of trouble.

I am horrifically embarrassed yet again. At least my pants were zipped up this time. I should have offered to burn toast or light a match they could put out so they could have something constructive to do while they were here. Oy!

And that was how my Saturday started.