3 Years Later....

I'll have to write more when I'm feeling lucid. I know I was going to come back to blogging here...but it got away from me when life got in the way. I did start a private blog on another site that is of a more adult nature...and thought it might be nice to continue to write rated "G" or PG-13 when I'm in the mood.

The kids are awesome...probably better than me. I spent the last year (from 2011-2012) as a long term Intervention Specialist in my home school district...but sadly that assignment ended in June and as of right now...I have no teaching contract. The jobs are few and far between and I am learning the harsh reality of the politics in motion. Its all about who you know.

I am less than 2 months away from being out of money. My spousal support cut off  last month (and yes I'm kicking myself for letting him off the hook early..I just assumed I'd be up and running by now). Applying for jobs online SUCKS....there's no way to stand out in the crowd and no way to get face time with someone to show you can walk and talk in complete sentences. I'm in panic mode...and its putting me into a spiral of depression.

I spend all day on the computer filling out applications, trying to decide if teaching will be my final resting place. I hate to walk away from it...but I need to make money NOW. I could risk working as a daily sub..but not sure if I could make enough money to make it work. And the politics of it all really turn me off...I mean BIG time.

The biggest thing I will miss if I have to work in the private sector again.....time spent with my kids. I tear up just thinking about it. I have always been here for them. It reminds me of when Lance used to ask me about going back to work to help with finances and I would insist that the money we would pay in daycare would be wasted and how I didn't want that for our kids. I have been so blessed to have summers off with them, school vacations...quality bonding time. The thought of giving that up makes me sick to my stomach.

I wish I could find a way to make writing profitable...now.....or that I had the confidence in my writing abilities to think I could actually write something people would want to buy. I want to be here for my kids. Period.

Sigh...three years later...and there is still no love in my life. I am lonely and sad and wishing for a companion...and I have had rotten luck with online dating or anything remotely resembling finding someone worth spending time with. I keep telling myself it's not important...but I feel less whole without someone to share my life with.

I'm BAAAAACCKKK!!

After a prolonged absence from writing here on my blog, I have found that some people actually miss me. I have understandably been busy rearranging my new life here in Ohio with my family and friends. It has been a good break for me. We got through out first holiday season without Lance, albeit with a few snags here and there, but for the most part it was a happy holiday for all.

I have been updating my status and pics mostly on Facebook, and just find it a bit draining to do updates all the time since I would rather be engaged in living...but writing a blog is also a nice outlet for me.

Let me quickly bring you up to speed on the high points:

• I was accepted into the Masters Program for Special Education at Ursuline College. It is an accelerated 15 month program beginning at the end of May. My awesome parents will be assuming care of the kids during the week while I am consumed with studies. I will have them on weekends.
• Working very part time as a substitute teacher..work trickles in. However, I have now cut my teeth in both middle school and high school. Bring it on!
  
• The kids are both well adjusted to being here and loved their first real winter with snow. We went skating, sledding and they built forts and snowmen.
• We now have 2 hamsters and a goldfish to add to our pet count..along with good old Ginger Dog..who we brought with us from California. I still trip over her daily.
• I have discovered the strange and interesting world of meeting friends on the internet. And by friends, I mean, um, well, men. I am not ready to have a relationship yet, God knows..my life is far too busy and have alot to take care of emotionally and just getting back to the business of being me. But hey, going out once in awhile for coffee or drinks is not so bad. I am very careful and always meet in public and have learned the safety tricks so no worries. I have actually met some very nice men and become friends with them if they live too far to meet. And...there are plenty of MARRIED men (ahem) certainly trying their best to get to me. It has been a real eye opener.....
• Rekindled old friendships and made new ones. Those have been a big help.
• Joined a gym but am a little off track at the moment. Motivated to stay healthy for my babies...oh yes, and being single and overweight is not too cool either.
• My confidence level has been, for the most part, restored. I still think I am such a strong personality I may never end up finding a long term companion to grow old with....but maybe someday down the road I will meet a truly STRONG, confident man who really loves my strength.

Well, not funny this entry...but give it time....hope you are all well!

1 Step Forward.....

2 or 3 steps back. Yesterday I went to the local UPS corporate center to apply for a seasonal Driver's Helper position. Yup, I am now reduced to considering slugging packages in the snow and crap for a little extra cash to help us out. For one whole month. The "interview" consisted of herding about 40 people into a room where we were told about the job, its requirements and restrictions, expectations. Scare tactic phase 1....anyone ready to leave yet? Then we were taken out to a UPS truck and shown how we would have to enter and exit the vehicle 100-300 times per day. Thighs burning, chest heaving, up and down, up and down. They made us enter the truck and enter via the back door. Scare tactic phase 2....you think you guys can handle this? I am rolling my eyes and trying not to laugh. This is humiliating. Then we are walked back to the cattle holding pen and told again if anyone feels this job is not for them, they are free to leave. A bunch of desperate people (like me), refusing to budge. Some old, some young, mostly men, a few of us ladies. Then, we are called one by one to an office to complete the "interview" process. While we wait, we are treated to a DVD of Apollo 13. My life has come to this....a college educated professional waiting to be picked from hundreds to haul packages for some money. Sigh.

The final phase of the "interview" was where they take you to a little room, verify the information on your online application, ask AGAIN whether you can meet the requirements of the job, they verify your identity, ask you to sign a form, take your uniform measurements (oh yeah, that was fun...giving your jacket, shirt and pants size to a complete stranger!), and we were told that if we were contacted further (to begin training) it would be paid time. And that was it.

I went to my car thinking, well, many people have been put into this situation...taking whatever job they can get to earn the money. And besides, at least I have a living income, I just need to get money to pay for my insurance that will be going away next month when my divorce is final. Oh yeah, and some extra money for doing things like taking classes, paying for books, etc.

And then I get a text from HIM....can he fly me and the kids out to CA in December? Instant buzzkill. Are you kidding me? So we can all see how you have desecrated our home with that woman living there? So the kids can be treated to the sight of you and another woman living in their home and having their bedrooms (possibly) altered? I have no idea what it looks like, but I'm in no hurry to find out. Besides, if I get this job, I will be working all through their break anyway. And I will not put them on a plane alone....NO WAY! He can come here, but I am not going there. It is too soon. It is too much.

I feel like I am just not the person I should be right now. There are all these expectations on me, some self-imposed, others implied. Like, I should have a job by now. Like I should understand that things will get better. Like, I don't need to be dating right now or thinking about men.

But...here's the thing. I wanted this UPS job because it requires virtually no THINKING on my part. Mindless, manual, grueling work. I'm no good at making decisions right now. And as for getting a job...well, let's just say I am struggling. I need the extra money, but I am having such a hard time just rolling with the punches. I feel like this process for me has only started and it's gonna take however long it takes and there shouldn't be a time limit. And it makes it hard to work under those circumstances. I find it hard to sell myself right now. I'm still too much like a wounded animal that is more likely to bite a helping hand than accept it. And that's just how it is.

Yes, I have my kids. Yes, I have my friends and family. Yes, I am enjoying reacquainting with old friends. But...my family also has alot of stuff they are dealing with and they can't keep holding my hand. I need to hold theirs. I'm trying, really. I am STRUGGLING, and that just makes me more mad at myself. Like I should be over this already. Like it shouldn't bother me that HIS life is moving on and I am stuck in mental neutral. Everyone has a life they are living and I am just on auto pilot. And no amount of support, cajoling or encouragement is gonna make me move. Until I am ready.

As for the men.....I am very vulnerable right now. The last thing I need is a relationship. But I love the feeling of being with someone who likes being with me. Who calls me to see how I'm doing. Who has a true and sincere interest in seeing me happy. Who I can talk to when the kids are in bed. I am not alone but I am so lonely. Still. I was lonely in my marriage and nothing has changed. And when I get together with my friends and see all the couples around me it is so hard for me. I love being part of a couple. I love the affection, the intimacy, the sharing of so many things. This is definitely hard for me. And I hate to admit that weakness, but I have been off the market so long it is really hard to adjust. So much for women's liberation. I need men...I like them. And I could definitely use the ego boost that comes from having a man pay attention to me. Sad, but true.

I know it will get better. Mentally, I know this. I am counting on it. Emotionally I am retarded and wounded and vulnerable. And I hate it. I feel like I'm scared of so many things right now, which is just dumb, right? Like getting a job that I can't handle. Like time is gonna run out for me to get what I need done to get into this Masters program. Like how am I even gonna DO the school with no daycare next 2 summers and no daycare money? And yes, HE would have to pay half, but I have to come up with the other half, and I have nothing. So I will be forced to have help from family if they will do it. Don't get mad at me because I'm not making him PAY...I have to PAY too and I don't have the money. And I might not be ABLE to work while I'm in school since it is a very intense program. And don't get mad at me for that either. I can't take the pressure. Really. I can't.

I am just willing this all to work. I don't know how it is going to work, but it simply HAS to. I need this.

And my one single girlfriend has a boyfriend now, so I'm giving her room for that. All my other friends are married. They have families and work lives and home lives. I am here loving my babies but GOD I miss having a man to curl up in bed with and make me feel safe and loved.

Autumn Rambler

First of all, my thanks again to certain family and friends (you know who you are) for your support. It has revitalized me....

• Autumn is here and holiday jobs are out there. Maybe I can get a job working for Santa?
• My ex has a girlfriend living with him already. In OUR old house. They have a history together. But he's not a cheater...whatever...
• Cheat once, shame on you. Marry a cheater.....shame on me....
• I'm glad my kids are with me!
• I'm glad I decided to move back to Ohio.
• My dog is shedding like crazy. I don't think she realizes she is gonna need the extra fur real soon...
• No, I do NOT want to date....but companionship is definitely a plus. Just find me somebody I don't have to beat off with a baseball bat all night....
• I feel kinda bad that I am frustrated at being home today taking care of a sick kid instead of out trying to get jobs and run errands...
• Single parenting sucks
• I am worried about a family member's health. Prayers please
• My baby lost her first tooth last night! It is going so fast....
• I'll never get married again.
• I love the love I get from my friends and family. I hope they feel it in return.
• I think Karma owes me something good...sooner rather than later please!
• There is some scary sh** on Craigslist. Check the personals and make sure ur kids aren't looking....
• Stress is a real drag
• I'm faking self-confidence alot more than I should
• My kids are obsessed with potty humor. I'm starting to worry about it lol.
• My kids think I'm the crazy mom (but good crazy). I think they are right. :-)
• Rekindling old friendships rocks
• Meeting new friends for all of us has been pretty cool
• It's kind of ironic that I am now seeking out single female friends when before I was obsessed with having friends with entire families. So they would understand my lifestyle. Now single moms are my new BFFs. Can u say babysitting swap for moms with no money?
• I'll never be poor because of all the love I have in my life.
• I think my kids are super cool and love them more than anything!
• I don't want my son to worry about me...he is so protective of me....
• Its gonna get better...its gonna get better....its gonna get better

So once again I return here to bloggerville with the intentions of writing a "woes-me" post because I am having one of THOSE days, and I happen to glance at my list of blogger updates and see one of my favorite bloggers, KellyW has updated. So I click the link. And I am stopped dead in my tracks at her story. Once again moved to tears by this amazing family who have gone through so much and continue to inspire...this little girl I never knew who has grown in my heart like a precious flower, alongside my 2 little ones. We know her in our own way, through Kelly and her family. We have adopted her in our hearts as have so many other online stranger friends. Sweet Steph has cast her web of love from beyond....and we are all caught up in it. I will forever be changed in my heart from this story. Some may think that strange, but the others, my other online friends I have yet to meet, they will understand. They DO understand, that is why they are my friends, whether we have met or not is irrelevant.

So I am sitting here on this blustery day where sadness threatens to swallow me up reading this story and thinking, I have absolutely no right to feel sorry for myself. I have my children. I have my parents. I have a roof over my head and food in my pantry. I am sad but I have not felt this kind of loss and I pray to God I never will. So I cannot compare my "loss" to theirs, or to others who have certainly gone through much more hardship in their lives. And what will I have learned when this is all over? That I am a survivor, whether I like it or not. That if you hit me in the head with a baseball bat I will eventually get back up and start swinging. It may take me a little while, but I will stand up again and shake off the dust and look to see where it is I need to go. That my children keep me grounded and help me stay in the "now" rather than the "what might have been" or the even scarier "what will happen to us now" realms.

And so, KellyW, this "Love, Loss and What I Wore" story is dedicated to you. Thanks for the inspiration....

Love, Loss and What I Wore
By Susan D

I couldn't believe this was happening.
Again.

I was about to get married for the (second) time, but this time I had really made sure he was THE one. He loved me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He accepted all the imperfections and strong personality quirks that make me lovable in a you-have-to-get-to-really-know-me kind of way. He had an adorable, sweet little boy and was a good father. He was attentive and loving and romantic. He was a gentleman...he held my doors open, pulled out my chairs, made me feel SAFE. My parents liked him, he asked my dad for his blessing before proposing, he had excellent taste in jewelry, and really seemed to want to take care of me in any way I could imagine. Not that I needed to be taken care of, you understand, but it was nice to think I had someone who really wanted to. And, he had a stable, good paying job that would support us as well as allow us to add to our family. I could breathe again.

Now I just needed to find the perfect wedding dress.

Off I went with my 2 friends for the shopping trips. I didn't want a "virginal white" gown (I mean, REALLY, it was a second marriage for both of us). And I didn't want the long, trailing train, just a slight train that could easily be bustled. There would be no dancing, it was a low-key affair that we wanted to have paid off by the wedding day to avoid that horrible wedding debt everyone racks up the (first) time. I think my parents were still paying for my first marriage....

Anyhoo...

As soon as I put it on, I knew it was THE one. My friends just looked at me and we all knew it. Not too much lace, not too much frill, a beautiful, unique backing and a gorgeous off-white color with a very slight train.

The day finally arrived. The ceremony was performed by a minister we had never met. It was his last official wedding ceremony since he had decided to retire. The service was shorter than the first one, but it seemed so much more personal. I fought back tears nearly the entire time. I didn't see anyone else in that little chapel but my husband to be and my new stepson. It was perfect, all I ever wanted. More meaningful than the first time. There were no small doubts as I stood at the alter like the last time that maybe I had made the wrong choice. This was THE guy and neither one of us was EVER gonna get rid of the other. We were in it for keeps, yes sirree Bob! (that was our best man's name, BTW).

Perfect, just perfect.

The dress was dry cleaned and heirloomed and put away for my future daughter. Does anyone ever actually wear their mom's dress anymore? Well, anyway, I spent the money to have it preserved regardless.

Fast forward, nearly 9 years later.
He's not happy.
What does that mean?
He hasn't been happy for a LONG time.
How long?
Remember that argument on the honeymoon?
WHAT???? Is he kidding me? I thought he was the guy who was supposed to love me for who I am?
Oh, he thought he could put up with me.
Nice.
He thought he would get used to it.
Am I the "it" in question here?
No. This is not happening. Not again. There are kids involved this time. Young kids, who will not understand.
Can't we fix this? Save this? Work on this?
Nope. Not a chance in hell.
Not unless I turn into a different person.
Well, that can't really happen, can it?
I mean, I can tweak a few things, sure, but change ME? Ummmm...welllll....I don't think so.
Are you sure that's it?
Yep.
No one else?....
......no.

.....still waiting to exhale. Letting a little breath out now and then, but still holding my breath overall.

When I packed to move back to Cleveland I was trying to decide what to do with my perfect 2nd wedding dress (I think the other one got pitched). My dad said throw it away. I wasn't ready yet.

So, it sits in it's box, perfectly preserved, in my closet nearly 3,000 miles from where I wore it.
I will not give it to my daughter. I will not pass on the bad juju it now possesses.
Hmmmm.....Halloween is right around the corner.....