Bad Hair Day

Okay so today while I'm being a blog hog and letting it all hang out (see A Thing of Beauty post), what do you think my darling 4 year old daughter is doing? Well....while I am downstairs on my computer playing catch up with the blogger groups and patting myself on the back for how liberated I am, my sweet baby is upstairs in mommy's room using scissors on her bangs! Just one good cut is all it took....




The first picture shows with her remaining bangs clipped up to show what she cut, and the second shows what it actually looked like in all its glory.

So....I am ranting and raving and gnashing my teeth and she has tears in her eyes and I sit her down and I say, "Katie, why did you cut your hair?" And SHE says, "because I was not beautiful enough." OUCH! Now I'm crying and feeling like an ass. Today, of all days, when I am feeling so empowered about beauty and body image and she just socks me with a big old dose of humble pie reality.

So I have the talk again about "where does beauty come from" and point to her heart. I keep re-iterating it, but she is obviously not getting that message from me since she is constantly being told how beautiful she is by the entire world (including me, I must admit). Conflicting messages, conflicting images...she doesn't know which "me" to invest in....inside or outside. Crap!

My parents always told me the story of the beautiful gift that was wrapped in garbage that had greater beauty than the gift with all the trimmings that had garbage inside. I HEARD the story many times, but did I listen? Crap! I've got some work to do (on both of us, I guess)

So, after a few swipes with the scissors, here she is in all her glory (beauty on the inside, beauty on the inside, beauty on the inside)....

A Thing of Beauty....

So I'm participating in this really awesome project on rbloggers (even if dh thinks I've gone too far this time...). A very special online friend suggested that a bunch of us send in pictures of ourselves in our (GASP!) bathing suits! Not usually something most women of a certain age or size rush out to do. But we are supposed to show how freeing/empowering it can be to just (literally) let it all hang out. This was in response to our heroine, AKA Rosie O'Donnell, posting a header pic on her site of herself in a bathing suit...subsequently being lambasted by a certain online gossip columnist whose name shall not be mentioned here.

There she was in all her glory...just trying to help the women (most of us) who don't feel comfortable in our own skin, in our own bodies. Bodies that have brought life into the world, held children in our arms, united with our soul mates, hugging posts for all those we love. Americans have a despicable body image, mostly fed by a media that refuses to show women of all sizes, regardless of how many BFAMs (Big Fat Ass Men...thanks Janette!) there are on TV out there unapologetic. And women, sadly, are sometimes the most unkind of all....

But not today! I am so proud to be among so many strong women who are overcoming their self-loathing and esteem issues to just do something for themselves. At the end of the day, these bodies shall pass and all that will be remembered is the love they held, not the shape they were in.

Peace and love BFABS!!!!!!

Monday Beach Day

Here's a short video from my day at the beach Monday with the kids and some mommy friends (and their kiddos of course). The weather was glorious, the waves were amazing, I got a little sunburned, but sunburn from the beach is kind of a given, isn't it? My poor Michael lost most of his little Star Wars legos to the sea...I warned him not to bring them but (sigh) he figured it would be alright. He took them in a little sand bucket to "rinse them off" and, well, the ocean decided it had other ideas. Poor little guy was so sad, but he handled it alot better than Katie would have. She would have been crying her eyes out...he just quietly came up to me and said "I'm so sad mommy" and then told me why :-(. That kid is so special....


BTW, there is another short video from Monday morning at the beach posted on Blip tv...use the links under Mama's Must Haves for My Videos...

Africa Hot!

That's all I can say....

48 Hours

Well, in the last 48 hours.....

....My mother retired from a career in nursing spanning the last 29 years. Way to go mom! We are so proud of you!!

....I learned that a dear friend has non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, which has spread to the bone marrow making it also leukemia. I am buying her an I-pod and downloading some soothing music for her first visit to chemo on June 30th....

....My daughter decided this morning (while I was putting the laundry in the machines) to hang from the banister (stairs) like she has been scolded a million times NOT to and damn near put a hole in her cheek when she fell from almost the second floor. Blood everywhere, trying to figure out what had been injured through the mess and the tears. Didn't go all the way thru but her cheek is swollen and a little bruised. OUCH!!!

I thank my lucky stars she wasn't hurt worse. Shudder to think of the possibilities. We made a little video this evening to document the day (you can't really see the injury in the light, thank God!). Do you think this time she will have learned her lesson?


Hope the next 48 hours is better...going to beach on Monday so will post pics/video when we're done.

What the Funk?

Seems like there is a grey cloud drifting around bloggerville and it's blocking out the yellow. Whatever it is, it's a buzzkill and I wish it would go away.

I haven't felt like myself for months...hubby always says it has to do with my (cycle)...as men tend to do. But I'm not sure. It comes and goes, and there is no reason I shouldn't just be happy all the damn time. But you'd never know I'm happy to hear me around the house....yelling at the kids, losing my patience over small things, snappy, bitchy, moody.

Then night time comes and the guilties come with it....why was I so hard on my babies? Life is too short and precious and I have such an awesome family. What the HELL is wrong with me? Don't have the energy for much of anything, tell everyone I'm too busy to keep up...but with what? Even when my friends are around I don't feel like I have the energy to be "fun Susan" like I usually am...the life has gone out of the party.

I'm happy (I think). No, I know it....but I can't shake the hollow feeling I've been carrying around. What the funk?

Hubby says my life lacks a purpose, like maybe being a mom and wife isn't enough for me? That sounds horrible. Could it be true? I have always had a job since I can remember until I became (after downsizing) a SAHM full time. I'm only at work part-time as I prepare to become a full time teacher some day (if these damn budget cuts don't completely wipe out the job market). But I haven't even cracked the book to study for the state exams. And the price of tuition for a 9 month credential program just makes my stomach churn and deepens my panic. Will it ever happen?

My kids will both be in school this fall...one part time and one full time. I am not the sort of mom to sit home and wait for them to get off school...I need something productive to do (shopping is NOT it). For the moms who can schedule their lives around their kids appointments, sports functions, etc. my hat is off. But I am hard wired to want to do my OWN thing for ME, selfish though that sounds. I am a better mommy when I feel like I have been out in the WORLD making a dent.

But I also want to make the biggest dent at home...where it matters. My kids are my best project, and most important. But I don't perform well when I feel not myself. And I think I am sad that my baby is going to be starting school and they seem to need me less these days and I feel like I'm drowning and please will someone throw me a goddamn line!

I have a phone number for a shrink...but what would I tell them? I feel silly. I feel like I'm manic sometimes (up and down, all around). I use humor to bitch about what bothers me, make light of things so folks won't know what hurts or where to poke me. But the soft spot is always there. And I don't know what to do with the ANGER I feel for no reason! Stop, breathe, look, listen.

I think I'm averaging like 5 good days a month these days...the rest just feels like a bitchfest. Crap! Crap! Crap! For those who know me well, what I meant to say was "F***, F***, F***! (sorry mom!)

Late Night Musings

Up late, reading a few blogs, mine seems so lame. There are really IMPORTANT and LIFE ALTERING things that people have to write about...love, loss, healing, anger. And then, there's me.

Why do I even do this? Hubby and mom would like to know. Friends baffled, what is the attraction? Mostly sleepless nights and something to do...but then, I have to say there must be some sort of NEED here. I NEED total strangers to see me? To acknowledge me? What? Something must be wrong with me. I tell myself, "but I have so many family out of state, they might like to pop in on me." Myspace was a total nightmare for me...drama and haters and women raging for no apparent reason, WAY worse than HS ever was! Blogging has an element of CONTROL, and I like CONTROL, don't I?

Fake. Phony. Needy. SEE ME....VISIT ME...COMMENT ON MY WISDOM.

I have always liked to write....journal or poetry (nothing fancy) in the wee small hours when I cannot sleep. This just seemed like the next logical step.

But then I still feel like that kid in junior high that wants to impress people I don't even know. WTH is that? I am a strong, confident woman, aren't I? Hmmmmm....self-doubt, insecurities, what am I doing here? They are all going to know I don't belong.

I need happy pills. No, I need to continue to live offline more and enjoy my family and know that it is enough for me. But I am connected to certain people, or at least I feel like I am. Is that real?

Aw, suck it up Susan!

Life's a Beach

So this weekend we had an impromptu camping trip, which involved a trip to the beach. Here is hubby and I battling our new "beach shelter" that is sort of like a half tent to block sun and wind (it was really windy this weekend!). I was pretty much just laughing at poor hubby the whole time (well, snorting was involved too), and then he was making fun of me to ask if there would be a "beach bloggy", which of course, just made me laugh harder...

Well, the reason I was laughing so hard (besides the fact that putting up a shelter in gusty wind conditions is just funny) is that one of the poles for the thing was so darn long, and as we're extending it, I told dh that pretty soon we were going to be poking the woman next to us in the ass, or tapping her on the shoulder, one of the 2. So we had this whole visual going through our head the whole time and it got a little silly.

Part 2 can be found using the link to My Videos under Mama Sez....