21 Days and Counting

Exactly 3 weeks from today my kids and I will be leaving our life in California and starting anew in Cleveland. Without a husband. Without a father to help share in the caregiving. Wow. I am still stunned by it all. I always thought moving back to Cleveland was never going to happen, and now that it is, I am finding it hard to wrap my mind around. Because of the way it is happening. Because instead of joy at reuniting with family and old friends, there is an incredible sadness and pain underlying it all for me and the kids. Because sometimes, like now, just thinking about walking away from this life I have made for myself out here in Looneyville makes me cry. Because I have made a good life for us....it was all finally coming together. Great friendships, relationships with teachers I have come to know and love, an awesome school for the kids, returning to school to get my teaching credential. All gone. Just like that.

No, it is not a death. Not of a family member. But, yes, it is a loss....my entire family has to find "a new normal" as Katie L. would say.

A week or so ago in the middle of the night while everyone slept but me, I found myself crying my guts out. Like the ugliest cry you never want anyone to see. For at least a half hour. Crying and rocking on the stairs, tears running off my chin and onto my chest without bothering to wipe them away. And let's not even talk about the snot. Whispering to myself "why is this happening? what did I do? how can I make it stop?" No answers. None. Never will be.

So many friends and family members have told me not to beat myself up. But divorce was something I never wanted to go through again. It hurt the first time, but at least there were no kids involved to get caught up in all the collateral damage. And there has been collateral damage aplenty.

Michael writes daily love notes to me on post-it notes and puts them by my bed. A constant reminder that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He is shaken by it all. The loss, the sudden ripping apart of his family. He says things like "why can't we just be a happy family and stay here?" or "can we miss the plane to Cleveland so we don't have to leave California? Cuz I was born here..." And Katie one night just started crying and said she didn't know why she was crying, then she cried out "I don't want to go to Cleveland, it's cold there and it's warm here".

It's not that we don't love Cleveland (hello, see my many posts about it), it's that we don't want to have to sacrifice our home and friends to go there.

But....I am not going to stay in spite of it all. It is so expensive and I don't have a full time job and salary and I can't rely on a second income and I'm scared of losing the house and having no where to go. And of course, I have the support of my parents and all those I love in Cleveland.

But I am also leaving a family member behind which makes me so incredibly sad. My older brother lives here and has not been as big a part of my life as he should have been. Not his fault...mine. Sure we talk on the phone and stay in touch and share birthdays when we can. But my dh never made him feel all that welcome and he never really reached out and so we drifted apart. Brian, I am sorry for that. You were the first one here in California to greet me and get me settled in and now you will be the last person we see before we get on the plane (he's taking us to the airport). Are you sure you won't come with us? I really want my family to be whole again. All of them. All of us.

The pictures of me are all down off the walls now. Except the engagement photo that was signed at our wedding which hangs over the bed. I haven't gotten to that one yet. But the kid's pictures are all packed away, and the wedding photo has been retired to the closet and all of them have been replaced by either bare walls or pictures of Lance with my stepson (who STILL doesn't even know this is happening, but that is another story), or replaced with generic photos. There is one picture remaining of all 3 kids that I gave to dh for father's day last year.

I am slowly disappearing from my own home and it makes me cry. I have worked so hard to make this house a home, even though it still needs paint and there is wallpaper peeling off the walls (well, okay Katie ripped it off and the cats did some damage), but it was always a place you could come in and relax and feel welcome I hope. Now it has boxes stacked where my old chair and ottoman used to be (sold), and so many other things have been sold or given away (believe me, I am not getting rich on yard sales out here!), and I know they're just THINGS but it pisses me off to have to get rid of them because they were MY things or the KIDS things that I bought for us and I shouldn't have to be doing this.

Breathe, Susan, just breathe.

And I go to work teaching every day, as if everything is normal. But it isn't.
I won't have my new normal for awhile I suspect. I will have to see how it all goes. And I am dreading the final goodbyes....for me and for the kids. Especially for the kids.

Please, God, let this be okay. Please.

Wishing....

I stayed up the other night making "wishing boxes" for all 3 of the kids. I have been writing them letters on each birthday reflecting on the accomplishments they had that year and what was going on in their lives. I have kept them tucked away in anticipation of giving them to the kids on their 18th birthdays. Now, with everything going on, I know I will need to give my oldest (stepson) his box early.


So, since I am not very crafty by nature, I had to rely on stick-on accessories. Inside each box I will put their birthday letters and various other things I have collected for them to be set aside for when they are older. In Bryan's box (my stepson) will go the buttoniere from my wedding to his father, along with the "unity necklace" we used to create our new family. I will keep the boxes for my younger 2 since I plan to continue to add things as the years go on. I will also put a letter to each of them on the inside of the lid that will list my wish for each. The boxes were made with things that symbolize this point in their lives.

Bryan has always loved frogs and I cannot see a frog without thinking of him. His box is decorated with frogs, tropical fish and since he is a teen, of course skulls and guitars on the lid.


Michael's box has guitars (he got one for Christmas and wants to learn to play), cars and stars, both of which he loves. And of course, he wanted "crosses for Jesus" so those are there as well.














And my little Katie, well of course she has the girlie box...Princess, pink, horses, flowers, butterflies and inspirational sayings of what I want for her.

Pain, Regrets and a Hopeful Ending

Today was not such a great day for me. It started off with less than 3 hours of sleep, so I kind of expected that by the end of the day I would be limping through.

I was subbing at my son's school as a "Rover" today...where I basically cover all day for various teachers who have conferences with parents for children who are struggling. Anyway, the day usually drags by as conferences are inevitably canceled by some, leaving large gaps of time to fill with nothing but thoughts and idle gossip.

Something I am having a hard time with these days....

But I got through the schedule and found myself at the end of the day waiting in the kindergarten room where my son was last year and where my daughter was supposed to be this fall. I was there watching my son and his friends while the boys' moms (one is a teacher and the other a parent involved in the last conference) were otherwise engaged. School was already out for the day, so I had the room to myself while the boys romped out back in the play yard.

Well...the combination of lack of sleep and all the emotions of a divorce and financial ruin, as well as being in the very room where I had spent so much time as both a teacher and a mother making friends with the 2 teachers who have helped me in countless ways...it just all caught up at once. As I looked around the room where I wanted my daughter to be next year and who now would not be coming here, I just started to cry. I mean really unleash. Thankful no one could see or hear me, I buried my sobs in wads of kleenex and tried to just let it pass over me. I remembered the first day of school for my son, and the first day that would not be for my daughter. Of course, she will have another first day of kindergarten, but it will not be the same.

The bank will be coming to take away our truck and RV next week. I think that also got to me. Because now, it really is real. This nightmare is really happening. I have been so wrapped up in trying to plan for the move, plan for the paperwork that needs to be filed, filling out forms and keeping things going for the kids, I have not had time to think about the difficult weeks ahead when the rending of hearts and possessions and family is to come. The "repo" is the first step of all of that. The memories I made with my family and the kids in the trailer (just last weekend at Cub Scout camp) are locked in walls of the trailer and the walls of my mind and heart. And now that trailer will be someone else's family dream and happy ending.

I know it is just a possession. I know that in my head. But my heart does not understand just yet. The taking away, the release, the letting it all go. I just don't feel ready.

So then the regrets kicked in. Did I fight hard enough for all of us? What if I had refused to allow the divorce (is that even possible?). What if I told him to just go live apart for awhile and let us continue on and see how we ended up? Would it have worked? Would it have been any easier? I keep getting stuck between the then, the now and the yet to come. Forward is hard for me right now. I'm stuck in pause mode, rewind, replay. The what-ifs, could-haves, should-haves and what-could-I-have-done differently world of insecurities and doubt.

I called friends and family just to hear a friendly voice, but no one was home or available...and I thought, well better get used to this. You won't always have someone to talk to when you need it. People have lives to get on with. That's just the way it is. I get that.

I keep getting scared the closer I get to the move (whenever exactly that will be is still getting worked out), like a child who doesn't want to get in the dentist's chair for the first time. You know you have to, you know it is coming, but you're scared of all the pain and the unknown. I have to succeed, I must, I have 2 children depending on that. The thought of going to the airport for that emotional plane ride when I will once again be leaving people I have loved (and still love) dearly behind and hoping that the future at the other end will all be okay. Like it was supposed to be this time.

And no, I do not HATE California...I was just trying to get used to it's differences. The weather has been beautiful (spring here has always been my favorite season), the scenery is still breathtaking. No cars are stained by salt and rust. The people (teachers, moms, friends) have been sweeter and more embracing this year. It was all coming together for me just as it all fell apart. The irony of it all....

And then I was looking at pictures from this past Valentine's day (you know, the one where all the firemen had the wives come to the station and my husband cooked this killer meal and we all got wined and dined and feted with roses?) That one, yeah, a mere 2 months ago. And when I asked him about all that, he said "that wasn't my idea, they just asked if I would cook". Great. He was just going through the motions while I was happily soaking up all the "love" and chatting up the other fire wives. All a sham. All of it. Ouch ouch ouch please God make it stop!

Grieving...in my own way. I know there are other friends of mine who have April and May marked by sadness now as never before so mine is certainly not to be compared. But now, I must say, spring is kinda ruined for me. Maybe it will awaken again sometime. But....my last marriage broke up in April and the divorce was final in December and it kinda looks like history will be repeating itself exactly 15 years later. April....the birth months of my daughter, father (and sweet Stephanie), and December, the birth month of my son and another famous Son we all celebrate. The sweet mixed with the sour. Ah, life.

I'm struggling to find the funny these days. I can do it in conversations and small talk with friends because my sense of humor is what always has saved me. But it is the private moments like the one in the classroom today or the darkness of night while my children lay sleeping beside me that threaten to take me under.

I know I'm not alone...I have many of you friends following along, and thank you for being here. And of course, my family (mom, dad, brothers, cousins, Cleveland buddies) who have been so supportive and loving. But at the end of the day, it is me who I must lean on the most so my kids will be okay. It is so much harder to be strong for all 3 of us than it is for just me. Thank God I have my family. Thank God indeed. And while I cannot wait to see them, I hate that this is no longer my home. It is killing me to leave it. It was my first (and only) home that I ever bought and I made it a loving place and now I have to just walk away from it.

Did I mention how much I hate all this?

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P.S. Just after I posted this, the most amazing thing happened. As I lay here with my kids, all of us too hot to sleep, my Ipod (which is hooked up to a docking station so it plays thru a speaker) came on all by itself and played the song "No Day but Today" from the Rent soundtrack. How cool is that? I told the kids (who were a little spooked) that it was a miracle of love to remind me I really am not alone and today is what I have to be thankful for. Thanks Grandma...I know it was you. Mom, she was here because she knew you couldn't be right now. How cool is that? I felt it, I felt her. My alone just vanished. I told my kids we just got a visit from someone who loves us and is watching out for us. They really thought it was awesome and we will all go to sleep with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts. I feel so much better now.....

P.P.S. I know some of you may think that it's all hooey to believe in these "signs" or miracles, but you don't have to. I do and it's all I needed....