2 or 3 steps back. Yesterday I went to the local UPS corporate center to apply for a seasonal Driver's Helper position. Yup, I am now reduced to considering slugging packages in the snow and crap for a little extra cash to help us out. For one whole month. The "interview" consisted of herding about 40 people into a room where we were told about the job, its requirements and restrictions, expectations. Scare tactic phase 1....anyone ready to leave yet? Then we were taken out to a UPS truck and shown how we would have to enter and exit the vehicle 100-300 times per day. Thighs burning, chest heaving, up and down, up and down. They made us enter the truck and enter via the back door. Scare tactic phase 2....you think you guys can handle this? I am rolling my eyes and trying not to laugh. This is humiliating. Then we are walked back to the cattle holding pen and told again if anyone feels this job is not for them, they are free to leave. A bunch of desperate people (like me), refusing to budge. Some old, some young, mostly men, a few of us ladies. Then, we are called one by one to an office to complete the "interview" process. While we wait, we are treated to a DVD of Apollo 13. My life has come to this....a college educated professional waiting to be picked from hundreds to haul packages for some money. Sigh.
The final phase of the "interview" was where they take you to a little room, verify the information on your online application, ask AGAIN whether you can meet the requirements of the job, they verify your identity, ask you to sign a form, take your uniform measurements (oh yeah, that was fun...giving your jacket, shirt and pants size to a complete stranger!), and we were told that if we were contacted further (to begin training) it would be paid time. And that was it.
I went to my car thinking, well, many people have been put into this situation...taking whatever job they can get to earn the money. And besides, at least I have a living income, I just need to get money to pay for my insurance that will be going away next month when my divorce is final. Oh yeah, and some extra money for doing things like taking classes, paying for books, etc.
And then I get a text from HIM....can he fly me and the kids out to CA in December? Instant buzzkill. Are you kidding me? So we can all see how you have desecrated our home with that woman living there? So the kids can be treated to the sight of you and another woman living in their home and having their bedrooms (possibly) altered? I have no idea what it looks like, but I'm in no hurry to find out. Besides, if I get this job, I will be working all through their break anyway. And I will not put them on a plane alone....NO WAY! He can come here, but I am not going there. It is too soon. It is too much.
I feel like I am just not the person I should be right now. There are all these expectations on me, some self-imposed, others implied. Like, I should have a job by now. Like I should understand that things will get better. Like, I don't need to be dating right now or thinking about men.
But...here's the thing. I wanted this UPS job because it requires virtually no THINKING on my part. Mindless, manual, grueling work. I'm no good at making decisions right now. And as for getting a job...well, let's just say I am struggling. I need the extra money, but I am having such a hard time just rolling with the punches. I feel like this process for me has only started and it's gonna take however long it takes and there shouldn't be a time limit. And it makes it hard to work under those circumstances. I find it hard to sell myself right now. I'm still too much like a wounded animal that is more likely to bite a helping hand than accept it. And that's just how it is.
Yes, I have my kids. Yes, I have my friends and family. Yes, I am enjoying reacquainting with old friends. But...my family also has alot of stuff they are dealing with and they can't keep holding my hand. I need to hold theirs. I'm trying, really. I am STRUGGLING, and that just makes me more mad at myself. Like I should be over this already. Like it shouldn't bother me that HIS life is moving on and I am stuck in mental neutral. Everyone has a life they are living and I am just on auto pilot. And no amount of support, cajoling or encouragement is gonna make me move. Until I am ready.
As for the men.....I am very vulnerable right now. The last thing I need is a relationship. But I love the feeling of being with someone who likes being with me. Who calls me to see how I'm doing. Who has a true and sincere interest in seeing me happy. Who I can talk to when the kids are in bed. I am not alone but I am so lonely. Still. I was lonely in my marriage and nothing has changed. And when I get together with my friends and see all the couples around me it is so hard for me. I love being part of a couple. I love the affection, the intimacy, the sharing of so many things. This is definitely hard for me. And I hate to admit that weakness, but I have been off the market so long it is really hard to adjust. So much for women's liberation. I need men...I like them. And I could definitely use the ego boost that comes from having a man pay attention to me. Sad, but true.
I know it will get better. Mentally, I know this. I am counting on it. Emotionally I am retarded and wounded and vulnerable. And I hate it. I feel like I'm scared of so many things right now, which is just dumb, right? Like getting a job that I can't handle. Like time is gonna run out for me to get what I need done to get into this Masters program. Like how am I even gonna DO the school with no daycare next 2 summers and no daycare money? And yes, HE would have to pay half, but I have to come up with the other half, and I have nothing. So I will be forced to have help from family if they will do it. Don't get mad at me because I'm not making him PAY...I have to PAY too and I don't have the money. And I might not be ABLE to work while I'm in school since it is a very intense program. And don't get mad at me for that either. I can't take the pressure. Really. I can't.
I am just willing this all to work. I don't know how it is going to work, but it simply HAS to. I need this.
And my one single girlfriend has a boyfriend now, so I'm giving her room for that. All my other friends are married. They have families and work lives and home lives. I am here loving my babies but GOD I miss having a man to curl up in bed with and make me feel safe and loved.
10 years ago
