Final 2008 Rambler (Random)

I'm gonna post my random thoughts under the title Rambler from now on. Maybe I will start a new trend....

• I can't stop watching trainwreck shows like Real Housewives of OC (or used to when we had full satellite). Even though they piss me off, I am riveted. Nothing about that show is REAL.
• Made in China...if I see that one more time I will scream!
• If the Chinese keep making all our clothes, I need a new size for Extra Large. I think they think Extra Large is a size 8 or something.
• I need to find a happy pill. My bitch switch seems to be stuck in the On position.
• Why do I feel compelled to ask why all the time?
• Are there people who read this and never comment? Or is it just me, Liz and Looney? Lurkers leave a comment and say hi please!
• I laugh at things other people think aren't that funny. Who has the problem here?
• It's easy to tell everyone else to lighten up but I can't seem to do it myself....
• I'd like to save money by growing my own food but I kill everything I try to plant and I like to eat meat but can't kill animals. Is that wrong? I cried the first time I caught a fish and it swallowed the hook and died in my hand.
• I find fart humor hilarious. And I'm almost 44 years old. I have passed this gift on to my children....
• I swear in front of my kids when I get mad and my parents are horrified, as are most other parents. But my kids know not to use the bad words. Believe me, it's not the end of the world.
• Okay, Katie did use the F word just once when she was like 2....but she didn't know it was bad and I was proud she at least used it in the right context.
• I won't use swear words when I'm a teacher but I'll be thinking them....
• I make myself laugh but someone has to.
• My kids still think McDonald's is actually called Old MacDonald's. They started saying it when they were younger and I never bothered to correct it because I think it is cute.
• My daughter is so independent she drives me nuts but I'm glad to know she will be a strong and independent woman. Could she please just hold that thought until she is out of the house?
• At what age will I finally stop caring how I look? It hasn't arrived yet....
• One of my favorite things about this year is that I made a bunch of online friends that I hope to meet in person one day.....remember if you're ever in CA you better look me up!
• The phrase "don't sweat the small stuff" was coined by a man. You know...men...the ones who don't have to sweat the small stuff because their wives do it for them....
• Not you, honey, you're the best husband ever! :-)
• No wonder women drive men crazy....we can't make up our minds what we want and expect them to know anyway!
• I think I have too much testosterone in my system.... I always take my anger to the next level (like 100) when maybe an 80 would do....
• My favorite saying is "Balls, said the Queen...if I had them I'd be King". That says alot right there.

Happy New Year everybody!

Another Year and I'm Still Here....

This time of year seems to have several strange effects on my emotional state. I am 3000 miles away from my hometown and all those I ever knew and loved (except of course my hubby and kids and my big bro), but being so far away during the holidays always makes me feel an ache to be back in Ohio. I am restless and feel like a fish out of water, even after being here in SoCal for nearly 11 years. I don't think it will ever change!

My point is that the holidays resurrect these thoughts of what friends and family are all about, and I STILL don't feel like I belong here. My kids are missing so much from the family standpoint. I have oodles of aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd and 3rd cousins, etc and my kids would THRIVE on that! On my street, you'd never even know there are children living here. No one lets them outside to play! Hello, it was like 74 degrees today, school is out and it is a friggin ghost-town! My poor kids get so bored. Can't get friends to answer their phones or call back, so it's just me and the 2 little ones staring at each other. Taking them to McD's play area is the most action they have seen all vacation so far.

Since this is the time of year for reflection, it made me start thinking about what life is like here, compared to growing up in Ohio. So I made this list of Things I Miss.....(AKA Life Outside the Country of California):

• My mom, dad and kid bro. Talking on the phone just isn't the same.


• My girlfriends in Ohio who are still in touch after all these years. I love you guys! Now come visit me dammit!


• Having only 1 chin (or belly, for that matter!)


• Christmases with snow.


• Thunderstorms.


• Metroparks (look it up if you don't know what I'm talking about)


• The normalcy of letting your kids play with the neighbor kids without scheduling a "playdate".


• Dropping in on friends without having to call first.


• Chatting with the grocery store cashier while waiting in line. Yes, that's NORMAL, people!


• Smiling at strangers and having them smile back.


• Not locking my front/back door EVERY time I come in or out rather than waiting until it's time to lock up at night.


• Not having to take off my shoes when I come in the house.


• Going to country bars with my friends for a night of dancing. I have kids now, but once a month would be nice....


• Having a house that doesn't have a security/alarm system.


• Being able to use my car horn (or middle finger) without getting shot at.


• Celebrating the holidays with a huge family, food, chaos, love, laughter and plenty of "holiday cheer" booze to keep everyone merry despite the noise levels.


• Having birthday parties that don't have to cost a fortune or have a bouncer!


• Teens who get a job when they turn 16 and EARN car money!


• People who don't worry so much about political correctness and being sued that they have lost their sense of humor and ability to connect with people.


• Asking people you want to become friends with for their phone number without them thinking you're a homicidal maniac or weirdo for asking.


• Real breasts......and wrinkles. (I have both, but I'm in the minority out here)

P.M.S.

P.M.S. is now officially going to stand for Pissed (off) Mommy Syndrome around my house. My husband and kids have learned the early warning signs:

1. Mommy's brow is permanently furrowed
2. Most sentences start with "Goddamn it...." or "How many times have I told you....?"
3. I eat everything in sight that isn't nailed down
4. I wake up with a strange urge to have the house thoroughly cleaned, just not by me.....
5. Another common sentence involves the words "I'm so f***ing tired of this!"
6. Mommy doesn't change out of her pajamas if at all possible
7. Don't even THINK about asking to go outside to play!
8. Phone conversations are kept to the bare minimum
9. Couch surfing is like an Olympic sport that week and human interaction is optional
10. Mac and cheese and hot dogs served daily

My poor family!

Happy Holidays!

Wishing all of you and your families joy and peace in the New Year!

Random

Well, since I haven't been very faithful about blogging, thought I would just catch you all up (hello, anyone still reading this damn thing?) with random thoughts/notes about what I've been up to...

• PASSED my CSET exam. Now gotta figure out how to get my flippin prerequisites done so I can get into credential program.
• Friendships can be such a pain in the arse. But I guess since I can't count on my dear mom living forever, I have to keep trying. *Sigh*
• Disney World over Thanksgiving week with family....loved it. Thanks mom and dad!
• I love the F word...but hate to type it since I know mom reads this sometimes.
• I keep having random thoughts about my ex-hubby who passed away last July (in 2007). What is up with that?
• My son is now 7 years old and my "bonus" son is now a teen. I feel old.
• I think that blogging, computers, video games, esp the Wii are substitutes for real life and I resent them. I think that's why I'm not here as much. I can't justify the time typing when I need to be living.
• And why the hell are people now simulating life on the Wii rather than just living it?
• I hate my body but am too lazy to do much about it. I look like a football player in family photos now.
• If I could get my double chins fixed I would.
• I'm sick of worrying about money, but I honestly don't want to go back to work full time. I love teaching (subbing) too much and can't walk away from it.
• People watching at a bar/restaurant in Pasadena is the bomb. Freaks everywhere.
• I don't want my kids to grow up to be like so many typical Californians...shallow, phony, flakey
• If you don't want me to be honest, don't talk to me. I am a very bad liar.
• I don't give a crap anymore whether or not people get me. I have a family that loves me, even the bad stuff.
• I am so in love with my husband and kids. I hope they get that.
• I wish my daughter had a sister so she will be better at girl relationships than I am.
• My ass is now numb.
• I guess that means I should stop now....

Pink

This is who I would be in my next life....she is something else....

O Mama, Obama!

"I never thought I would see this day"
"I am overwhelmed"
"This is the moment!"
"The moment is now!"
"Now my children will know they can be President some day"

And on and on the list of proclamations goes from African Americans who now have a shining example of what is possible in America. They have a special connection to this election that I cannot speak about personally. But the victory belongs to all of us....all who believed, rallied, supported and HOPED this day would come. The moment is now. It is monumental. For so many reasons.

I am proud of him. I am proud of us. I am proud of America. Yes we can....yes we did!

There is so much more to say, but I will leave that to those whose gift of flowery speech is better honed than mine. I pray for the Obama family that they will stay strong against the challenges they now face. The job will be messy. It will take time to dig us out of the godawful messes we are in. The American public is not known for its patience or faith in our leaders, which we need in great quantity to resolve the problems ahead. I hope we have both and will give them to our new President-elect and the tide of public support will remain strong and buoy him up to the tasks at hand.

But for now, I will enjoy this moment. Today is a new day for all of us.

Test Stress!!!

This happened to me last Sunday night while driving my stepson home. I've been meaning to post it, but my life is a bit topsy turvy right now and blogging has NOT been a priority for me. I have to take a big state test this coming Saturday (November 1st) which I need to pass before I can even GET INTO a teaching credential program. It covers all material taught from grades K-12. Oh yeah, and I graduated high school in 1983, so most of this stuff I studied well over 20 years ago. Try cramming all that into your now middle-aged brain and making it stick. And there are only 26 questions (plus 2 short answer) for each subject! So how the hell do you know where to focus? The answer is, you don't. And you end up having a panic attack (fake heart attack) while driving your stepson home. So here is what happened that night.....

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Okay, so there I am having to drive my stepson home (hubby got called in to work OT), and I started to feel funny. Tingly arms and legs, profuse sweating in back of my neck and underarms, trembling hands, etc. Uh oh, I think my blood sugar must have bottomed out. This has only happened to me like a handful of times (a couple of times while pregnant when I didn't eat enough) and more recently a few months ago while my mom was here. Each time, I have had to get something to eat right away and sit down until the "episode" passed. But never has it happened while driving.

So, I call dh (who is a firefighter, BTW) to tell him I don't feel well. I get off at the next exit to get something to eat. 1.5 chocolate brownies later, and I'm feeling a little better, but still not 100%. I call dh's ex-wife to tell her we will be late since I don't feel well and am not ready to drive yet (forget the fact she does not offer to meet me to pick up her son, but...)

Okay, so I decide after about 15 minutes I need to just suck it up and get him home. So we get to his house, and the smell of the food I bought the kids is making me so nauseous I tell him to take all the trash in the house or I will throw up when we get there. So I call my mom after I drop him off and am driving home. I still don't feel well, and have even unbuttoned my pants since I just feel sick to my stomach. About 10-15 min after getting on the freeway, the tingling starts again in my hands and feet....accompanied by shortness of breath, sweating and more shakes. My mom says I sound faint. I need to get off the freeway (from the carpool lane). I get off, pull into a gas station and call 911. Feel like I am going to pass out. Having a hard time catching my breath. Am I having a heart attack? We will soon see....

So here comes 1) the ambulance, 2) the rescue squad, and yes, finally 3) the fire truck! By now, Katie is crying when she sees all this action, and she now says she has to pee. I am taken out of the car and put on the gurney (while frantically struggling to zip my pants) , soothe Katie, and calm Michael down, who is all excited to see all the firemen. Luckily, there is a female paramedic and she stands at the car door talking to Katie and getting her calmed down. So they're putting all these monitors on me, asking me my age, medical history, etc. The guys are all shaking their heads and saying my vitals are normal. BP is fine, I ask them to check my blood sugar, that seems okay (forget that I've just eaten 1 1/2 brownies and a soda!). So the captain asks my age again and says (with a wink) that his wife is around the same age and just started to have hot flashes. I am going, oh no, please do NOT tell me all this was for a hot flash! Of course now, I am feeling perfectly fine but am completely mortified and ready to crawl under the gurney. Katie still has to pee. Crap!

So the nice firemen stay and wait near my car (apparently I am NOT in a good neighborhood) while I take Katie to the bathroom. They joke with me that I just wanted to see all the hot firemen. I am telling them my husband will never let me live this down.

Oh yeah, did I mention that the 911 dispatch center called dh's fire station (because I had the kids with me and told them if they came to take me away he would have to leave work to get the kids), and they said they were going to transport me and so they shut down the truck at his station? (he is on the truck and if they are a man short, the truck gets shut down). Oh yeah, this is one giant fubar. I call him back and tell him they are NOT taking me anywhere and to stay at work.

The firemen kept asking me if I was under a lot of stress or worried about something. I almost started laughing. Oh, you mean like not having any money and studying for this test? Why no, everything is peachy!

I feel like an idiot. At least I didn't get them all out of bed for this! Good grief! Like a hysterical swooning female from the 19th century. Help, I've got the vapors, come save me!

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So that is what has been happening in my neck of the woods.....now you can see why I have been MIA all over the place. Good grief!!!!

Light the Night Walk 2008

We participated in the 2008 Light the Night walk to benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. The kids and I had a blast! Thanks to all who supported me. Our team raised over $6500!

Bailout My Arse

*(Deep, heavy, disgusted SIGH)* Okay, so let me preface this entry by stating that I am in no way a financial guru. Yes, I am in charge of our household budget, but as certain family members can attest, that has not been exactly a raging success. I will also say that I am guilty of being a credit card abuser. It got so bad I finally cut up all our cards (except 1 with a very low interest rate and low max allowance) that can be used in "emergencies". So, I tell you this so you will know that I can certainly relate to the feeling of drowning in one's own debt and being desperate for a lifeline.

So now our wonderful financial wizards on Wall Street have overspent and "had a big party" and now we must pay. But are they willing to extend the financial goodwill to the regular folks who took out loans they had every intention of paying back but got screwed by ARMs? Fat chance. Now look, I know there are arguments on both sides saying "people who took out more than they could afford shouldn't be "bailed out". Ahem, isn't that what our country has become based on?? Credit??? And why, then, are we bailing out the "predatory lenders" whose greed put us in this situation to begin with? So who profits (literally) once again....? ? The predators. And We the People are supposed to sit back and take it up the you-know-where (see Blog title).

Let me share with you an excerpt from a study guide I am using to prepare for my upcoming teaching skills test....this is a description of the causes of the French Revolution, and to some degree the American Revolution. The point is, the people revolted when they were basically sick of being screwed.

"...the increased criticism (as a result of the Enlightenment period) directed toward government inefficiency and corruption, and toward the privileged classes...the 'First Estate' and 'Second Estates' (nobility and clergy), representing only two percent of the total population...the 'Third Estate' (working class and everybody else), who bore the entire burden of taxation and the imposition of feudal obligations. As economic conditions worsened...and the French state became poorer and totally dependent on the poorest and most (economically) depressed sections of the economy for support at the very time the tax base had become separated.....This in turn produced a government that was irresponsible and inefficient, with a tax system that was unjust and inequitable and without any means of redress because of the absence of any meaningful representative assembly."

Now, I ask you. Does this sound familiar? That old expression "if one does not know their history, they are doomed to repeat it?" And isn't Sarah Palin asking us to "forget our past" just move forward? Ignore the man behind the curtain. Who cares what causes global warming, let's just fix it? (like, I have no idea why my car broke down, just fix it...the causes are moot).

I am so disgusted with so many things right now. It is hard for me to focus on my studies or anything else. We are entering another Great Depression, but for some, the depression will run much deeper. My mom has already shared stories from folks in the news (a 90 year old woman who, faced with foreclosure and eviction shot herself and is now critically wounded..and homeless in the hospital.....a young couple who borrowed more than they could pay back and faced with possible prison sentences chose instead to commit suicide); regular people, good people, well-intentioned people who just got caught beyond their means trying to make things work and they're not here anymore. Just like in the Great Depression when men jumped from their office windows because the despair was too big to handle.

Like the Titanic, we have only touched the tip of the iceberg. We are sinking in despair, and being led by inept government representation (sorry Congress, you blew this one)and , Oh goody! It's now time to elect a new president, who will be saddled with one of the biggest clusterf**k administration messes we have ever known. Poor Obama. I hope he wins, he NEEDS to win.

The day here is gray, and apparently it reflects how I think most of us feel. REVOLUTION PEOPLE!!!!

P.S. OJ was convicted...big whoop....

The Debate

What did you think of it? I was so pissed off that McCain REFUSED to even look at Obama and kept addressing him like he wasn't even there!!! I'm glad Obama didn't let it ruffle him though, and I loved how strong he was when he would break in over McCain's sound bytes to contradict him or point out the untruths he was spreading. I mean, really, if you can't even look your opponent in the eye, how are you going to face down aggressive world leaders and get them to cooperate with you? He was so damn condescending!

I didn't see the very end (I ti-voed it since we were all at a Boy Scouts event last night) and I was just so tired I couldn't last. So I have no idea if they shook hands or just spit at each other from across the room when it was over.

I just wish they would drag that dingbat Palin out there and let Biden rip into her. Although I was a bit horrified when he made that awful gaffe about The Great Depression, FDR and televsion (YIKES!). He makes me nervous still since I think his mouth is a bit of a loose cannon. He may have a good voting record in the Senate, but he definitely has the OMIF condition (Open Mouth, Insert Foot). Not to be confused with OMFG, though OMIF can definitely result in people saying OMFG. But I digress. Although I can certainly relate to this quality on a personal level, it is not a trait I desire in our Vice President (can you say Dan Quayle?). I actually think Sara Palin is like the female Quayle but I can't decide which one of them is worse.

And why in the HELL would white women be such great fans of hers? What, are we all a bunch of rednecks now? (I mean honestly, Track, Trig, WTF is that?) Nothing against rednecks, hell I used to be married to one, but we've been living under a YeeHaw president for the last 8 years and that has been a disaster. She is the embodiment of what Republican men think women are....something pretty to look at, not overly intelligent but can put a few sentences together so you can trot them out at cocktail parties to make your husband look good, and if you can hunt and chew tobacco, well, that's just a bonus, by God.

And what about her making people who were raped pay for their own rape kits at the hospital? Wake up women!! This chick is not for us in any way, shape or form. And you "PUMAs" better get off your high horse and get a clue. If I had enough money left in my monthly budget, I'd loan you the money so you could buy a new brain.


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So anyway, I know I haven't been online in like FOREVER, not even to read blogs. I just have been so busy with teaching, school, kids' events, etc. and I am also supposed to be studying for my test. Thanks to those who haven't forgotten me and drop by just to say hi. I'm still here, I'm doing well, just offline life seems to have taken over. And that's a good thing. I probably won't blog except like once a month or if I'm really worked up over something. Just not enough hours in the day....

Besides, I'm too busy yelling at my tv every time The View comes on. But that's another blog entry....

The DNC...My Musings

Well, I've been offline as you know, mostly keeping busy with teaching and family stuff. Today is Labor Day and I have the kids and the house to myself. So while I get caught up on e-mails and blogs I haven't read in AGES (sorry Flickr Friends!), I thought I'd pass on my thoughts regarding last week's Democratic National Convention (DNC) and the highlights. I hope you'll share your thoughts with me in the comments section....

1. Michelle Obama's speech was sweetly inspiring and a loving tribute to a husband and father. On a scale of 1-10 I'd give it a 7.5.

2. Hilary: I have been a big supporter of Hilary and was really upset to learn that so many of her "loyal delegates" were planning to officially pledge their votes to Hilary rather than Obama. So I was really looking forward to hearing how she was going to heal and unify. I sat on the edge of my seat through most of her speech. I heard her reiterate alot of HER campaign platforms and ideals, her video footage was all about HER campaign, and she only threw Obama's name in almost as an afterthought. I think it has been difficult for her to gracefully accept defeat. After reading DebC9's blog, I decided to change this part of my post to give Hilary more credit than I originally did. I'm proud of how she handled herself for all of us....

3. Then came Bill. Based on Hilary's performance the preceding evening, I have to say I was worried they might have to do more damage control like they did all through Hilary's campaign. But, my God, that man has the gift of speech and charisma! I was crying through much of it because it was so GREAT to see him back in his element. Delivering with conviction, passion, charisma, humor and just the right amount of southern sarcasm. "America has always impressed people with the power of our example, rather than the example of our power". Fabulous!!! He was the best speech of the entire convention, IMO.

4. Biden....okay, my folks tell me he's "one of the good guys", but there is something about him that makes me nervous. Like he's always on the verge of saying something really politically incorrect that will damage the campaign. And he seems a bit of a spotlight hog. Just sayin....

5. Obama: So here it was, this historic nomination about to be accepted. And on the anniversary of MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech. How would he weave this fabric of history into his speech? Would he be passionate? Would he be funny? Would he be preachy? Would he win over all the Dems and maybe some Republicans? His speech was good. It had strong attack on McCain where needed, he was humble, convincing, eloquent and passionate. It was good. But, Bill's was better and he needs to hire Bill's speech writer and take lessons from him on charismatic delivery.

All in all, I think Obama will be a good leader for our country, but he's no Bill Clinton. Slick Willy will always be my fave of all the Presidents, but I hope Obama can get in there and give him a run for his money.

Don't even get me started about McCain and PALIN! Good lord! That's a whole other blog entry....

Light the Night 2008

So on top of everything else I am doing right now, it is once again time to start using the F word that no one likes to hear.....Fundraising!

I have been a team walker every year for nearly 10 years for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's annual Light the Night walk that benefits those suffering from blood cancers. Diseases such as leukemia are the leading cause of cancer death in those aged 20 or younger...hard to believe, huh?

This walk has special meaning for me since a young lady I worked with when I moved to California was diagnosed with Acute Myeloma...a very aggressive leukemia. She is the person who introduced me to my husband. She died at age 40 and we attended her memorial service 5 days before our wedding. She was supposed to have been our Maid of Honor. That is the reason I began walking....

Now this year, I have another friend who is battling Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma so I will be walking in honor of her.

I know it is alot to ask of anyone, especially in these times of economic uncertainty when everyone's purse strings are so tight (mine included). But, if you can spare it, any amount, even $5, I would sure appreciate you clicking on the link below to sponsor me. It is a flat donation and all donations are tax deductible. I am only trying to reach a goal of $100 this year.

I will be walking on October 4th, so you have until the end of September to donate. I thank you all for considering it....peace and love!!! http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanta/2501_sdemello

School Already?

I cannot believe both my babies are now in school! Well, Katie only goes half days a couple times a week for preschool, but Michael just started first grade! Wow!

I've been enjoying my life offline, so haven't been around much. I will probably be dropping my flickr groups since I expect my life will get busy with school stuff and studying for the state test. I still plan to stay in touch with a few folks I met on Flickr, and hope that those who came to visit me here will continue to do so as a way of "staying in touch" with what's happening in my neck of the woods. And if anyone ever makes it out my way and wants to meet up, I'm all for it (you can always reach me here on my blog).

For now, I'm finally back to a good place in my life....all it takes is the stability of a routine to put me back to rights. Vitamins are really working well, I'm still a little stressed about budget stuff, but at least now that school is back in session I hope to be working again real soon, so that will help. And I'm just trying to keep the important things in my life at the top of the list.

Peace to all who enter here.....

Don't Worry

Friends of my blog, I just want to thank you for your kind words and offers of "shoulders and ears" for venting. How strange and wonderful it sometimes is to have stranger friends who offer solace!

I visited with my girlfriends today, even though I initially was a little miffed over having to go to them again rather than coming to my house...but once I got over that petty little moment, I packed up the kids, their bathing suits, some lunches and good tunes and off we went.

Sitting outside on her beautiful, tropical patio with the kids splashing in the mini pool and the company of my girls who are sticking it out with me...I can't tell you how renewing that was for me! Of course I launched into the usual small talk chit chat catch up stuff first before confessing that my blues are still lingering. But we talked more about doctors, vitamins, etc. and I stopped at the store later today and picked up a regimen of vitamins (thanks for the advice Andrea!) that I am hoping will improve my spirits.

I am still reluctant to go to a doctor (therapist). I will for sure go and get my hormone levels checked and all that good stuff, but I gotta say, for myself personally, when we took my son to a therapist for something, it just all seemed like a crock of BS and nothing we could not have done ourselves. I have nothing against it for anyone who feels the need for it, but for me, I just have always felt that I have a great perspective on my feelings and usually can pinpoint the reasons for the feelings, just knowing what to do with it is sometimes where I get stumped.

But the love of family and friends is what always works best for me. I don't like the idea of pouring my heart out to a therapist and having them either try to drug me or give me "emotional homework" to work on. I guess if I really felt like I was having a nervous breakdown or shutdown all together, I would do that of course. But I am just resistant to it. As long as I can find another way thru the dark, that is what I will always try first.

So, for now, vitamins, sunshine, hanging with the kids, dragging myself out of the house more often for quality time with my girls and getting lots of love from all you sweet blogger buddies, that will do me good!

Thanks and love! xoxoo

Desparately Seeking Susan

I know she's here somewhere, hidden under the feelings of boredom, depression, loneliness. In exactly one week, my son will be in school full time for the first time, and the day after that, my daughter starts pre-k 2 days a week for half days. Which leaves me with at least 2 half days of not having kids in the house for the first time in 6 years. And it makes me sad.

I will have to keep busy since I feel like just sitting around has been really bad for me lately. Do alot of sub teaching or classroom mommy helping to earn money and stay useful.

I miss my girlfriends who I haven't seen very much this summer due to distance and rising gas costs and lack of funds and mixed-up schedules.

I miss my mom, who only recently went back home. We talk on the phone often. She worries about me. I worry about me. It must just be PMS right?

Gotta move, gotta do something. Don't really want to. The sadness just seems to always be there, under the brave face that says all is well.

"Why do you blog?" mom asks me. Why would anyone in their right mind choose to share such personal "diary-like entries" with folks unknown, or for that matter, people who know and love me and will think I'm truly over the edge?

Why indeed?

Online "friends" are safe...I can cut them out, keep them at a distance, not get invested. Don't show them too much, except here, where I come to write late at night when sleep is but a dream.

Too embarassed to say these things to the people who actually know and love me. What would they think?

Anyone in their right mind wouldn't do that, right?

So I guess I've answered my own question. Better call the doc tomorrow....

I love you mom. Stay around for awhile, would ya? I can't do this without you....

EARTHQUAKE!!!!

So, just a short while after dropping mom at the airport, the kids and I were at the grocery store. They were riding in this cute little "car" shopping cart and I was just turning down an aisle when....rumble, rumble, rumble. Now, back in my hometown, I would think to myself, "Oh a thunderstorm is starting". But now, living as I do in SoCal, I have to re-orient my brain to think, "Earthquake!!"

I froze...I remember saying out loud, "earthquake" so the kids would know what was happening. I was right in the middle of the aisle, at the end of it, and was watching in fascination as the items on the shelves quivered and vibrated. The store was eerily quiet as everyone just froze in their respective spots, waiting, watching.

And then, just like that, it was over. People started to move again. Store clerks scurried about checking for damage, calling to their fellow workers to make sure no one was injured. The atmosphere was almost gleeful, like we had all just had a little cocktail party experience together. People were nervously giggling, all the while trying to act like it was no big deal. This is, after all, the land of the Quake.

My kids were still trying to sort it all out.
"Mommy, was that an earthquake?"
"Is the building going to fall?"
"Did the earth yawn?"

I think it registered 5.4 or 5.5....I've also heard 5.8, but it was over 5, that is for sure.

My daughter has been proudly telling anyone who will listen that the earth danced, and we had an "earthquick", and wants to know if grammy felt the earthquick in Ohio.

I assured her she did not. She just missed it.

A couple of hours later, I got a call from my mom who was on a layover en-route to home. She said the plane had just taken off when they made an announcement that the airport had been shut down temporarily due to a 5.4 earthquake. She and I had just been talking about the fact that we are "due" to have one. I hope there won't be another, bigger one coming anytime soon.

They still weird me out...especially when they come late at night (as they so often seem to) and I am in bed and my husband is gone at work. They always wake me up...even if everyone else sleeps through them. I never can, I always sense them, even the "small" ones. It is terrifying...they come without warning. Sometimes we have them and I don't even know what they are. Like a quick "bang" during the day and I think someone outside has just had some sort of mechanical failure. I never know...until someone says "did you feel the earthquake?"

Clueless.

God, I miss Ohio.....

Still Breathing

Hey folks! Sorry you haven't heard from me in awhile but mom is still here visiting and I am soaking it all up as much as I can. She'll be gone in a couple of days and my heart will be heavy like it always is when she is apart from me. But I take comfort in knowing we will all be together again at (appropriately) Thanksgiving time.

Just popping in to say I have been thinking of many of you (I hope you know who you are) and I may be taking a breather from many of my other "online" activities like Flickr groups. Too much to keep up with and there are other reasons I wish to stay away. Big hugs to Cuz Woot Woot :-)

So peeps, onward and upward. I am here for any who need me. I will come here to my blog as I always do to ponder and reflect on daily happenings. But I am keeping my own counsel for self preservation purposes.

Now get out there with your kids, friends, family and have fun (Mama Sez). I'm gonna get some shut eye so I can wring every moment of joy out of the little mom time I have left.

Jury Duty

Crap! Gotta report for jury duty tomorrow. Forget that I have 2 small kids to take care of. No excuse this time. They said show up and they will provide daycare. Yeah right! I'm gonna give my most valued possessions to the courthouse jammed full with weirdos, perverts, rapists, and FREE daycare manned by people neither my kids or I have ever met. Can they really make me?

I am taking a gamble and forcing my kids to get up early and show up with me in hopes they will say, "oh, you really DO have kids, you can go." (I'm assuming people use that excuse as a way to get out of it and they don't believe people who write in anymore). If they still make me wait, I will call my dh and have him come pick them up (which works out fine since he's off tomorrow, but after that...).

Plus, my mom is coming to visit Thursday, I have to pick her up at the airport, I'm moving my MIL next week, my daughter has a dance recital this weekend. The timing just sucks. Jury duty in California...what a frickin nightmare. I'm still recovering from the whole OJ trial. I would be a disaster in a jury room...I love to argue, will not be convinced by any BS racial tactics, have very little faith in prosecutors these days having seen friends of friends put away on total BS charges while real "criminals" walk the streets. NOT the kind of person you want on a jury. I have alot of bias.

Crap! I better get outta this.....

******UPDATE*******UPDATE*******UPDATE******

NO JURY SERVICE! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Went down there and had my name put on a list with 350 other jurors, filled out a questionnaire, was told to come back and check in again in 4 hours. Sat around waiting to see if I would get picked, and they passed me by. Our county service is a "one day or one trial" arrangement, so if you manage to sit around the jury room all day without being selected, you are let go for the year. Thank you God and thank you all those who sent vibes my way. It definitely worked. Phew! Finally, something went right this week.

And now mom will be here tomorrow so I am a happy camper again. xoxoxo

Dry Drowning

There is a phenomenon known as "dry drowning" whereby you take water into your lungs, just enough that it doesn't immediately kill you, but within hours of getting out of the water, it can be life threatening if left untreated. This is how I feel...like I am slowly going under and I'm almost out of lifelines.

Friends and family tell me not to worry, everything will be alright. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that a big reason I am feeling this way is because of debt. I remember reading a friend's blog that talked about the liberation of finally getting out from under credit card debt. I have known that feeling... a couple of times actually. But then...(sigh)...well, anyway.

Living where I do, in the land where utilities can be billed on a "tier level" basis for usage, and families can be charged over 200% (!) for energy use during peak hours, well, that doesn't help things. I'm a stay at home mom with kids to entertain, and tvs are on during the day and air conditioning needs to be run when it's hotter than hell and WTF am I supposed to do about that? I read somewhere (though I haven't had time to fact check) that if Obama gets elected, he wants to charge more taxes for natural resource usage (like utilities). I can't handle paying more than we already are...can you say over $500 for a goddamn electric bill?

So this is more like a hostage situation than a drowning I guess. We are held hostage by our debt, the robber baron utility companies, my compulsive spending habits (and let's just say I didn't marry a saver, so when you have 2 spenders together it can have disastrous consequences). The whole thing is one big embarassment. I'm over 40 years old for pete's sake, I don't need to be doing this to myself.

This stay at home mom thing has been a disaster....I shop more out of boredom than anything. I should just be taking my kids to the park or something, but it's too damn hot! So a nice air conditioned mall or Target....hmmm...so soothing, all the pretty things. I wish I were a better window shopper....crap!

So with everything going on with my MIL and her move (yes, we found an apartment, but it costs $200 more a month than she is paying), and I'm also worried that she won't get approved on her application since we had to co-sign and not sure how our credit is these days....I'm dry drowning. Suffocating slowly with worry. I'm an emotional basket case. I haven't been on Flickr or anywhere else online in quite awhile....I've gone into hibernation and hyper-defense mode. Snapping at all those who I love dearly....friends, family, kids. Ugh...I am not fun to be around right now. And when that happens, I put it into full retreat...better to just crawl under a rock than be bad company.

I cry pretty much every day it seems...over big things, small things, everything just seems bigger to me. Friends are about ready to kidnap me and take me to a therapist. But there is a root to my problems...it's not just needless worry. It has a sound basis. But it has manifested itself by making me an emotional trainwreck. I'm worried, I'm scared, and most of all, I feel like I have no CONTROL....which is a big deal for a control freak like me. I think I feel the need to control whatever I can since there is so much in my life that feels out of control...like how will my kids turn out, why won't they listen to me, why do so many things in the world make absolutely no sense anymore, etc. etc. etc. ad infinitum. Alot of noise in my head.

Blogging is supposed to be my new journal. A way to release all the garbage in my head. Do I really want to come here and dump on the unfortunate souls who wander in here looking for a little witty blog for the day only to find all this depressing stuff? Sorry, but I needed to. I'm a talker and this is my voice.

So, I'm sorry if I bummed anyone out...believe me, I know the feeling. And I'm not writing for sympathy or support from anyone, this is just me venting because if I don't my head will explode...or I'll drown, or some other melodramatic thing I can manufacture as an analogy. But there it is.

Mom is coming in 3 days....I can hang on until then. One foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. Pretend it will all work out. I can do this....can't I?

Landlord Woes

Just got a phone call tonight from my dear, sweet MIL, who lives in East LA (NOT a good area, BTW) saying she got a notice telling her she has 3 days to get rid of her 2 cats or face eviction. WTF???? The woman has lived in this Godforsaken hellhole for more than 40 years, helped manage it with her husband at one time, lives on her dead husband's city retirement pension and so-so security, which is mostly eaten up by the ridiculous rent they charge for a building where she can't even have a/c and this is the thanks she gets?

There have been several different building owners in the last few years, increasingly shitty I must say. This last one had the lease agreement with a no pets clause, and she didn't want to sign. But the manger on site assured her that all those who currently owned pets would not need to comply, but no new pets could be brought into the building. Of course she did not think to get that in writing (sigh). And you know what they say about oral agreements...they're as good as the paper they're written on.

So, tomorrow hubby will go over to look over the documents, I will be manning the phones at this end trying to contact the building owner, possibly local media, possibly an attorney (that none of us can afford right now). Good lord! I feel so bad for her...she does not wish to give up her pets or her crappy little un-air-conditioned apartment...it is her home and all she has known for more than half of her life. Again, I can only say, WTF????

On a positive note...we have been trying to convince her for years to move closer to us and the grandkids, in a rent controlled apartment with air conditioning and all the other amenities of a civilized society, but so far with no luck. Maybe this is just what we needed to turn things around. We want to help keep an eye on her, and I understand change and moving is hard...but it would be so much better. I don't know...I'm not trying to be selfish about it. I want her to be happy...but right now she is just scared and worried and I'm sure won't sleep a wink tonight.

WTF??????

Memory Lane

I just bought the Grease soundtrack cd (I used to have the ALBUM, so that tells you how old I am). I am strolling down memory lane, reminded of the days when I would play this over and over in my room, memorizing every lyric, envisioning the movie clips in my head for each song. God I love that movie, and now, so do my kids.

It doesn't seem possible that this movie came out when I was only in junior high, but that seems to be when I would always buy records and memorize all the songs. I even saw Sha Na Na in concert! (remember them?) I have such fond memories of that time in my life....summertimes and staying out all day playing with friends, riding my bike or skateboard, hanging with the pack of kids who always found each other and looked out for one another. We weren't allowed inside, only to get a bite to eat, and then it was back outside, catching fireflies at dusk, playing ball in the street until the streetlights came on and our moms called for us to come in and take a bath and get ready for bed.

This is what I love about visiting my folks in Cleveland...this stuff still happens there! Not where I live..you'd never even know anyone lives in the houses in my neighborhood...everyone is inside all day, no kids out playing in the streets, parents afraid to let their kids out of eyesight, video games being the preferred "recreation" for most ages. I miss the summers of my youth. When I took the kids last summer to visit the grandparents in Cleveland, it was the FIRST time I was able to let them go play with the neighborhood kids (the older kids would watch the younger ones), they got permission to go to each other's houses, and the oldest would walk the youngest back to their homes when they were done. And just like me, they only would come home to get a snack, and then beg to go back to their friends. It was so sweet and so refreshing to see kids actually outside playing! Sharing yards and games and snacks, an unspoken camaraderie that exists between kids just from having the shared bonds of age.

What is your favorite summertime memory?

Water Play

Took the kids to a local playground that has a bunch of water features. The temps are pretty much at or near the 100's, so if we're not chilling inside in the A/C we tend to do water activities (thank God we have a pool!).

Bad Hair Day

Okay so today while I'm being a blog hog and letting it all hang out (see A Thing of Beauty post), what do you think my darling 4 year old daughter is doing? Well....while I am downstairs on my computer playing catch up with the blogger groups and patting myself on the back for how liberated I am, my sweet baby is upstairs in mommy's room using scissors on her bangs! Just one good cut is all it took....




The first picture shows with her remaining bangs clipped up to show what she cut, and the second shows what it actually looked like in all its glory.

So....I am ranting and raving and gnashing my teeth and she has tears in her eyes and I sit her down and I say, "Katie, why did you cut your hair?" And SHE says, "because I was not beautiful enough." OUCH! Now I'm crying and feeling like an ass. Today, of all days, when I am feeling so empowered about beauty and body image and she just socks me with a big old dose of humble pie reality.

So I have the talk again about "where does beauty come from" and point to her heart. I keep re-iterating it, but she is obviously not getting that message from me since she is constantly being told how beautiful she is by the entire world (including me, I must admit). Conflicting messages, conflicting images...she doesn't know which "me" to invest in....inside or outside. Crap!

My parents always told me the story of the beautiful gift that was wrapped in garbage that had greater beauty than the gift with all the trimmings that had garbage inside. I HEARD the story many times, but did I listen? Crap! I've got some work to do (on both of us, I guess)

So, after a few swipes with the scissors, here she is in all her glory (beauty on the inside, beauty on the inside, beauty on the inside)....

A Thing of Beauty....

So I'm participating in this really awesome project on rbloggers (even if dh thinks I've gone too far this time...). A very special online friend suggested that a bunch of us send in pictures of ourselves in our (GASP!) bathing suits! Not usually something most women of a certain age or size rush out to do. But we are supposed to show how freeing/empowering it can be to just (literally) let it all hang out. This was in response to our heroine, AKA Rosie O'Donnell, posting a header pic on her site of herself in a bathing suit...subsequently being lambasted by a certain online gossip columnist whose name shall not be mentioned here.

There she was in all her glory...just trying to help the women (most of us) who don't feel comfortable in our own skin, in our own bodies. Bodies that have brought life into the world, held children in our arms, united with our soul mates, hugging posts for all those we love. Americans have a despicable body image, mostly fed by a media that refuses to show women of all sizes, regardless of how many BFAMs (Big Fat Ass Men...thanks Janette!) there are on TV out there unapologetic. And women, sadly, are sometimes the most unkind of all....

But not today! I am so proud to be among so many strong women who are overcoming their self-loathing and esteem issues to just do something for themselves. At the end of the day, these bodies shall pass and all that will be remembered is the love they held, not the shape they were in.

Peace and love BFABS!!!!!!

Monday Beach Day

Here's a short video from my day at the beach Monday with the kids and some mommy friends (and their kiddos of course). The weather was glorious, the waves were amazing, I got a little sunburned, but sunburn from the beach is kind of a given, isn't it? My poor Michael lost most of his little Star Wars legos to the sea...I warned him not to bring them but (sigh) he figured it would be alright. He took them in a little sand bucket to "rinse them off" and, well, the ocean decided it had other ideas. Poor little guy was so sad, but he handled it alot better than Katie would have. She would have been crying her eyes out...he just quietly came up to me and said "I'm so sad mommy" and then told me why :-(. That kid is so special....


BTW, there is another short video from Monday morning at the beach posted on Blip tv...use the links under Mama's Must Haves for My Videos...

Africa Hot!

That's all I can say....

48 Hours

Well, in the last 48 hours.....

....My mother retired from a career in nursing spanning the last 29 years. Way to go mom! We are so proud of you!!

....I learned that a dear friend has non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, which has spread to the bone marrow making it also leukemia. I am buying her an I-pod and downloading some soothing music for her first visit to chemo on June 30th....

....My daughter decided this morning (while I was putting the laundry in the machines) to hang from the banister (stairs) like she has been scolded a million times NOT to and damn near put a hole in her cheek when she fell from almost the second floor. Blood everywhere, trying to figure out what had been injured through the mess and the tears. Didn't go all the way thru but her cheek is swollen and a little bruised. OUCH!!!

I thank my lucky stars she wasn't hurt worse. Shudder to think of the possibilities. We made a little video this evening to document the day (you can't really see the injury in the light, thank God!). Do you think this time she will have learned her lesson?


Hope the next 48 hours is better...going to beach on Monday so will post pics/video when we're done.

What the Funk?

Seems like there is a grey cloud drifting around bloggerville and it's blocking out the yellow. Whatever it is, it's a buzzkill and I wish it would go away.

I haven't felt like myself for months...hubby always says it has to do with my (cycle)...as men tend to do. But I'm not sure. It comes and goes, and there is no reason I shouldn't just be happy all the damn time. But you'd never know I'm happy to hear me around the house....yelling at the kids, losing my patience over small things, snappy, bitchy, moody.

Then night time comes and the guilties come with it....why was I so hard on my babies? Life is too short and precious and I have such an awesome family. What the HELL is wrong with me? Don't have the energy for much of anything, tell everyone I'm too busy to keep up...but with what? Even when my friends are around I don't feel like I have the energy to be "fun Susan" like I usually am...the life has gone out of the party.

I'm happy (I think). No, I know it....but I can't shake the hollow feeling I've been carrying around. What the funk?

Hubby says my life lacks a purpose, like maybe being a mom and wife isn't enough for me? That sounds horrible. Could it be true? I have always had a job since I can remember until I became (after downsizing) a SAHM full time. I'm only at work part-time as I prepare to become a full time teacher some day (if these damn budget cuts don't completely wipe out the job market). But I haven't even cracked the book to study for the state exams. And the price of tuition for a 9 month credential program just makes my stomach churn and deepens my panic. Will it ever happen?

My kids will both be in school this fall...one part time and one full time. I am not the sort of mom to sit home and wait for them to get off school...I need something productive to do (shopping is NOT it). For the moms who can schedule their lives around their kids appointments, sports functions, etc. my hat is off. But I am hard wired to want to do my OWN thing for ME, selfish though that sounds. I am a better mommy when I feel like I have been out in the WORLD making a dent.

But I also want to make the biggest dent at home...where it matters. My kids are my best project, and most important. But I don't perform well when I feel not myself. And I think I am sad that my baby is going to be starting school and they seem to need me less these days and I feel like I'm drowning and please will someone throw me a goddamn line!

I have a phone number for a shrink...but what would I tell them? I feel silly. I feel like I'm manic sometimes (up and down, all around). I use humor to bitch about what bothers me, make light of things so folks won't know what hurts or where to poke me. But the soft spot is always there. And I don't know what to do with the ANGER I feel for no reason! Stop, breathe, look, listen.

I think I'm averaging like 5 good days a month these days...the rest just feels like a bitchfest. Crap! Crap! Crap! For those who know me well, what I meant to say was "F***, F***, F***! (sorry mom!)

Late Night Musings

Up late, reading a few blogs, mine seems so lame. There are really IMPORTANT and LIFE ALTERING things that people have to write about...love, loss, healing, anger. And then, there's me.

Why do I even do this? Hubby and mom would like to know. Friends baffled, what is the attraction? Mostly sleepless nights and something to do...but then, I have to say there must be some sort of NEED here. I NEED total strangers to see me? To acknowledge me? What? Something must be wrong with me. I tell myself, "but I have so many family out of state, they might like to pop in on me." Myspace was a total nightmare for me...drama and haters and women raging for no apparent reason, WAY worse than HS ever was! Blogging has an element of CONTROL, and I like CONTROL, don't I?

Fake. Phony. Needy. SEE ME....VISIT ME...COMMENT ON MY WISDOM.

I have always liked to write....journal or poetry (nothing fancy) in the wee small hours when I cannot sleep. This just seemed like the next logical step.

But then I still feel like that kid in junior high that wants to impress people I don't even know. WTH is that? I am a strong, confident woman, aren't I? Hmmmmm....self-doubt, insecurities, what am I doing here? They are all going to know I don't belong.

I need happy pills. No, I need to continue to live offline more and enjoy my family and know that it is enough for me. But I am connected to certain people, or at least I feel like I am. Is that real?

Aw, suck it up Susan!

Life's a Beach

So this weekend we had an impromptu camping trip, which involved a trip to the beach. Here is hubby and I battling our new "beach shelter" that is sort of like a half tent to block sun and wind (it was really windy this weekend!). I was pretty much just laughing at poor hubby the whole time (well, snorting was involved too), and then he was making fun of me to ask if there would be a "beach bloggy", which of course, just made me laugh harder...

Well, the reason I was laughing so hard (besides the fact that putting up a shelter in gusty wind conditions is just funny) is that one of the poles for the thing was so darn long, and as we're extending it, I told dh that pretty soon we were going to be poking the woman next to us in the ass, or tapping her on the shoulder, one of the 2. So we had this whole visual going through our head the whole time and it got a little silly.

Part 2 can be found using the link to My Videos under Mama Sez....

8 Years of Marriage!

Today (May 27th) was my 8th wedding anniversary! I'll post a pic later, I'm up late and have to retrieve the wedding pics from "the vault" lol. We've been together almost 10 years, share 2.5 kids (we have 2 of our own and my stepson who is now only with us part time) and I love the man dearly....

...but I sometimes wonder how on Earth we ever got together. We are so opposite in so many ways. He is the Yin to my Yang. At first, I thought "well, this is okay, since my mom and dad are opposites and they've been together over 40 years". But there are times that being opposite works against you. It is hard to see eye to eye sometimes. You end up dancing around topics that can become "uncomfortable" or "volatile" almost as a courtesy to each other. Now me, I don't mind to argue, ask anyone, they'll tell you I don't shy away from a good debate. But he would rather walk away from conflict and keep his emotions tucked away...then they all come out when we're arguing over something totally unrelated.

But I love him...he is my best friend (besides my mom and my girlie friends), and he will be HONEST (painfully) when most will not. He tells it like it is. Which, believe me, took some getting used to. I'm a proud woman, and having a mirror in your face (which, BTW, I DO like to look more than I should, but I am speaking here of the inner reflection) can be tough. So even though I censor myself maybe a little more than he does, I am confident that our marriage will be here as long as we are.

Marriage is tough, but I wouldn't want to live without it, or him. I love you Papa!

Now if I could just get my mom and dad to move out here....

My Gym, Part I

Click to Play

We went to a cute little kid's gym with our mommy group last week called My Gym. Kids had a blast!

Re-Pap!!!!!

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THIS ENTRY CONTAINS REFERENCES TO FEMALE MEDICAL EXAMS SOME MEN MAY NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT....BUT IT'S FUNNY SO DON'T BE A BIG, FAT CHICKEN!


Okay, last year around this time I went for my annual "spread-n-scrape", otherwise known as the pelvic exam, and my doc called me after a few weeks to tell me they hadn't "gotten enough cells" and the lab said they needed to do another. Never happened in all my 40+ years, but hey, okay I'll be a good sport and get back in for another pleasure cruise.

This year, about a month or so ago, time to get my annual again. 2 weeks later, phone call (different doc this time), same problem! Grumpily go back, she practically takes out my tonsils scraping this time, I'm bleeding like a stuck pig, sore for the rest of the day, tell my dh, "surely, they got enough that time!"

Guess who just called? WTH????!!!!!!

I repeated my concerns over the scraping ritual, and am now beginning to feel like a dried up old Halloween pumpkin. The doc says this has NEVER happened to her before! I'm starting to get worried. She is now having me go back to her partner this time for her to do the exam.

Between this and the mammograms I have to have every 6 months (another story), I should have glow in the dark boobs and a jack-o-lantern uterus. Well.....Halloween IS one of my favorite holidays! Grrrr!!!!

Sorry, I feel better now....

Bee Sting!

Click to Play

My poor daughter got stung by a bee last week while trying to "rescue it" from our pool using her BARE HANDS instead of the net!

BTW, the "magical bee sting paste" is baking soda and water...works like a charm!

Kindergarten....

Oy vey! I love the little buggers, but man, the energy level just drains me! I subbed today for my son's class and by lunch time I was ready for happy hour! Not sure if I could do that all year...cheers to all you K teachers out there.

Got a little misty-eyed when I was looking at some of the 6 year old girls in class and thinking about Steph....my mind is never far away from her family these days.

K, dinner time. Peace out peeps! Come back soon, ya hear? It's getting lonely in here...and leave a comment will ya?

10 Seconds to Launch

Today was a busy day for me and the kids. School in the a.m., then home in the 110 degree heat (seriously) to swim in the pool for a couple of hours. Katie down for a 2 hr nap, then off to dance class and then home to pick up the neighbor kid and head back to Michael's school for Rocket Night.

Every year, the kids get to build a little rocket (made of cardboard tube, balsa wood fins and a small engine that stays at school until the launch), and fire them off. This year was their biggest ever, 150 rockets! They had a blast, and I will post a video when I get time. This was our first year, and it was a ton of fun. The kids were running all over the place trying to catch the rockets when they landed (they were blowing hither and yon, so it was chaotic).

I really love his school...it's a "NASA Explorer School", which means they have a partnership with NASA that focuses on all their different projects and a very strong math and science program for grades 4 & 5. Some of the teachers get to go on a zero gravity flight each year, and they do all kinds of neat projects. I think the principal has even attended a shuttle launch! Anyway, it was a great day of memories with my babies...too bad hubby was working and didn't get to see his home-made rocket launch. :-( Oh well, there's always next year.....

Sorry no video...I didn't use my Flip and my regular camcorder doesn't have plug n play and well, there's just tech issue so never mind....

Why are we Here?

Not here, on this planet, but HERE on our computers? I'm supposed to be in the shower right now getting ready for my son to come home and for all of us to go to a matinee and yet, here I am typing. Damnit! I guess it's cuz I really don't care to see "Ironman", even if I do like Robert Downey, Jr. I'm more of a chick flick kinda gal. But it's for my son and it's family time so.....here I go.

Later, skaters!

Update: It really wasn't that bad!

While the Kids are Asleep

I sneak into their room to watch them...so at peace, so pure. And the frustrations of the day and the angry words we might have spoken to each other (or the ones they hurled at one another) are all forgotten as the slate gets cleaned in sweet dreams.

The cats sleep, the dog snores, the husband rolls over and places a pillow on his head, and I blog about the emotions of the day. My babies....they are my life. I try each day to soak them up, drink them in. I used to take a million pictures and then it got so hard to have the camera with me every second and keep up with the uploading, printing, cataloging, etc. and I've gotten lazy.

Then I see in the blink of an eye how everything can change.....

...and I want to have my camera around my neck again. Savor it, record it, relive it, rejoice in it. Let my daughter smear lip gloss on morning, noon and night (clear only though), let her change her clothes 6 times a day and wear her Christmas dress in July. Let my son use as much paper as he wants writing me notes as he learns to spell and write for himself. Listen to them giggle as they hatch a plot to trick mommy or hide under the bed. Listen to the laughter of my oldest son as he plays with the younger two and uses his own nicknames for them.

Fall in love with my husband all over again when I see him as the father of these adorable children whom I love with all my heart. And appreciate that even though he doesn't "get" why I come here, or why I visit blogs or Rosie or any of those other online recesses, he lets me indulge because he knows it gives me something in the wee small hours of the night while the kids are asleep and my brain will not rest.

And now, I must get some sleep. Up to get the kids ready and be a mommy helper at school and kinder teacher in the afternoon. And I will look at all these children that I do not know and love them anyway just because they are there....and they trust me....and we are in the same space at the same time sharing experiences together....and because each child must KNOW they are loved and valued and they may not always get that at home.

To sleep, perhaps to dream....cartwheels on the beach, butterflies in the garden, a little girl with a big, pink backpack running down the hall to greet her mother.....

Stephanie Lufkin

Watch Stephanie's movie....get your kleenex....peace and love to the Lufkin family and KellyW

A Mother's Day to Remember....

So this is the weekend we celebrate moms....and yet I have a heavy heart for my "stranger friend" KW and what her family is having to go through that makes it hard for me to think about my own life as a mom. I cannot imagine putting a child to rest this weekend (or any other, for that matter). I am restless for them all and the rawness of my pain for someone I never even met astonishes me....

I lost a baby on my very first Mother's Day weekend almost 6 years ago....but for me it was in the wee stages of pregnancy and I had not seen the child grow, love, laugh, live, bond with it or have it know me as mom. So the hurt was brief and bearable. For the family of KW, I'm sure it cannot be the same...it must feel endless and unfathomable and I ache for them all. It is easy to toss off platitudes of comfort like "she is at peace" etc. for a family who feels nothing akin to peace at the loss of a child they never had time to prepare for. Robbed, cheated, angry, lost, empty, heartbroken....so many other words I know they must be feeling.

And so, this weekend I shall pray, reflect, renew and revive my role as mom to my children....to appreciate more fully that precious gift. And I shall grieve a child I never knew that belonged to a family I never met. And be reminded, yet again, that living life off the computer is the MOST important thing I can do for my family.....peace and love to all who enter.

Help for a Friend

So here I am taking on another big project.....trying to raise money. This is the most difficult and thankless task, but sometimes the most rewarding when it is for a good cause. And I believe this is one of the most fun causes I have done in awhile. I have a "Flickr" friend who has alot of health issues and she would love to go on an Rfamily cruise. I'm trying to get donations to purchase tickets. It's gonna be hard...I may have to wash a few cars if this doesn't work out...and then my dh will surely leave me lol. He already thinks I'm crazy.

I need to live life out loud....and more offline. Signing off for now....wish me luck!

Here I Come!

Well bloggers, I am stepping in. Or on, or whatever. But here I am in all my boring glory....decided to join the world of blogging and see how it works out. Welcome and wish me luck!