Seems like there is a grey cloud drifting around bloggerville and it's blocking out the yellow. Whatever it is, it's a buzzkill and I wish it would go away.
I haven't felt like myself for months...hubby always says it has to do with my (cycle)...as men tend to do. But I'm not sure. It comes and goes, and there is no reason I shouldn't just be happy all the damn time. But you'd never know I'm happy to hear me around the house....yelling at the kids, losing my patience over small things, snappy, bitchy, moody.
Then night time comes and the guilties come with it....why was I so hard on my babies? Life is too short and precious and I have such an awesome family. What the HELL is wrong with me? Don't have the energy for much of anything, tell everyone I'm too busy to keep up...but with what? Even when my friends are around I don't feel like I have the energy to be "fun Susan" like I usually am...the life has gone out of the party.
I'm happy (I think). No, I know it....but I can't shake the hollow feeling I've been carrying around. What the funk?
Hubby says my life lacks a purpose, like maybe being a mom and wife isn't enough for me? That sounds horrible. Could it be true? I have always had a job since I can remember until I became (after downsizing) a SAHM full time. I'm only at work part-time as I prepare to become a full time teacher some day (if these damn budget cuts don't completely wipe out the job market). But I haven't even cracked the book to study for the state exams. And the price of tuition for a 9 month credential program just makes my stomach churn and deepens my panic. Will it ever happen?
My kids will both be in school this fall...one part time and one full time. I am not the sort of mom to sit home and wait for them to get off school...I need something productive to do (shopping is NOT it). For the moms who can schedule their lives around their kids appointments, sports functions, etc. my hat is off. But I am hard wired to want to do my OWN thing for ME, selfish though that sounds. I am a better mommy when I feel like I have been out in the WORLD making a dent.
But I also want to make the biggest dent at home...where it matters. My kids are my best project, and most important. But I don't perform well when I feel not myself. And I think I am sad that my baby is going to be starting school and they seem to need me less these days and I feel like I'm drowning and please will someone throw me a goddamn line!
I have a phone number for a shrink...but what would I tell them? I feel silly. I feel like I'm manic sometimes (up and down, all around). I use humor to bitch about what bothers me, make light of things so folks won't know what hurts or where to poke me. But the soft spot is always there. And I don't know what to do with the ANGER I feel for no reason! Stop, breathe, look, listen.
I think I'm averaging like 5 good days a month these days...the rest just feels like a bitchfest. Crap! Crap! Crap! For those who know me well, what I meant to say was "F***, F***, F***! (sorry mom!)
10 years ago
7 comments:
Awww.. Susan !!
Girl if you need to talk about anything I'm here for you. I know all about being in a funk and not knowing why, it's harder to get past when you can't put your finger on what is causing it!
Kisses
Meli
i get what you are saying completely.... i hope you begin to feel better!
You have a big job raising your children...and it's not selfish to want more for yourself......hope it gets better for you soon!
you know how you feel is normal.
I'm the opposite. I've been home with my kids so long if I get a job or think of it I feel guilty.
I'm in school right now trust me it's doable.
I get in that shouldn't I be more funk from time to time too. I know I'm happy but I just don't seem that way sometimes.
i get what you're saying - really i do. i went back to work when the kids were 4 and 5....and it's worked for me. i wasnt a good sahm. but that doesnt make me not a good mom. i am a good mom -- i'm not good at the sah part.....big difference you know. and that's ok. the important thing (and hard thing) is to find the right kind of job that let's you still feel like you can be a good mom and good at your job. that was my challenge.....
This is good stuff Susan....your writing I mean!
I totally get what you're saying. I could never be a stay at home mom. I wish I could, but I would go crazy. I just can't be even a decent mom, at best unless I can get out of the house, without the kids every single day! I hear ya! What you're going through seems pretty normal to me!
Thanks so much to ALL of you wonder moms who get it! You made me feel so much better!!!
Post a Comment