Dry Drowning

There is a phenomenon known as "dry drowning" whereby you take water into your lungs, just enough that it doesn't immediately kill you, but within hours of getting out of the water, it can be life threatening if left untreated. This is how I feel...like I am slowly going under and I'm almost out of lifelines.

Friends and family tell me not to worry, everything will be alright. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that a big reason I am feeling this way is because of debt. I remember reading a friend's blog that talked about the liberation of finally getting out from under credit card debt. I have known that feeling... a couple of times actually. But then...(sigh)...well, anyway.

Living where I do, in the land where utilities can be billed on a "tier level" basis for usage, and families can be charged over 200% (!) for energy use during peak hours, well, that doesn't help things. I'm a stay at home mom with kids to entertain, and tvs are on during the day and air conditioning needs to be run when it's hotter than hell and WTF am I supposed to do about that? I read somewhere (though I haven't had time to fact check) that if Obama gets elected, he wants to charge more taxes for natural resource usage (like utilities). I can't handle paying more than we already are...can you say over $500 for a goddamn electric bill?

So this is more like a hostage situation than a drowning I guess. We are held hostage by our debt, the robber baron utility companies, my compulsive spending habits (and let's just say I didn't marry a saver, so when you have 2 spenders together it can have disastrous consequences). The whole thing is one big embarassment. I'm over 40 years old for pete's sake, I don't need to be doing this to myself.

This stay at home mom thing has been a disaster....I shop more out of boredom than anything. I should just be taking my kids to the park or something, but it's too damn hot! So a nice air conditioned mall or Target....hmmm...so soothing, all the pretty things. I wish I were a better window shopper....crap!

So with everything going on with my MIL and her move (yes, we found an apartment, but it costs $200 more a month than she is paying), and I'm also worried that she won't get approved on her application since we had to co-sign and not sure how our credit is these days....I'm dry drowning. Suffocating slowly with worry. I'm an emotional basket case. I haven't been on Flickr or anywhere else online in quite awhile....I've gone into hibernation and hyper-defense mode. Snapping at all those who I love dearly....friends, family, kids. Ugh...I am not fun to be around right now. And when that happens, I put it into full retreat...better to just crawl under a rock than be bad company.

I cry pretty much every day it seems...over big things, small things, everything just seems bigger to me. Friends are about ready to kidnap me and take me to a therapist. But there is a root to my problems...it's not just needless worry. It has a sound basis. But it has manifested itself by making me an emotional trainwreck. I'm worried, I'm scared, and most of all, I feel like I have no CONTROL....which is a big deal for a control freak like me. I think I feel the need to control whatever I can since there is so much in my life that feels out of control...like how will my kids turn out, why won't they listen to me, why do so many things in the world make absolutely no sense anymore, etc. etc. etc. ad infinitum. Alot of noise in my head.

Blogging is supposed to be my new journal. A way to release all the garbage in my head. Do I really want to come here and dump on the unfortunate souls who wander in here looking for a little witty blog for the day only to find all this depressing stuff? Sorry, but I needed to. I'm a talker and this is my voice.

So, I'm sorry if I bummed anyone out...believe me, I know the feeling. And I'm not writing for sympathy or support from anyone, this is just me venting because if I don't my head will explode...or I'll drown, or some other melodramatic thing I can manufacture as an analogy. But there it is.

Mom is coming in 3 days....I can hang on until then. One foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. Pretend it will all work out. I can do this....can't I?