I know she's here somewhere, hidden under the feelings of boredom, depression, loneliness. In exactly one week, my son will be in school full time for the first time, and the day after that, my daughter starts pre-k 2 days a week for half days. Which leaves me with at least 2 half days of not having kids in the house for the first time in 6 years. And it makes me sad.
I will have to keep busy since I feel like just sitting around has been really bad for me lately. Do alot of sub teaching or classroom mommy helping to earn money and stay useful.
I miss my girlfriends who I haven't seen very much this summer due to distance and rising gas costs and lack of funds and mixed-up schedules.
I miss my mom, who only recently went back home. We talk on the phone often. She worries about me. I worry about me. It must just be PMS right?
Gotta move, gotta do something. Don't really want to. The sadness just seems to always be there, under the brave face that says all is well.
"Why do you blog?" mom asks me. Why would anyone in their right mind choose to share such personal "diary-like entries" with folks unknown, or for that matter, people who know and love me and will think I'm truly over the edge?
Why indeed?
Online "friends" are safe...I can cut them out, keep them at a distance, not get invested. Don't show them too much, except here, where I come to write late at night when sleep is but a dream.
Too embarassed to say these things to the people who actually know and love me. What would they think?
Anyone in their right mind wouldn't do that, right?
So I guess I've answered my own question. Better call the doc tomorrow....
I love you mom. Stay around for awhile, would ya? I can't do this without you....
10 years ago
5 comments:
susan... thinking of you! don't be embarrassed. so many of us are feeling the same way and suffer in silence. i hope you call your doctor! you shouldn't have to feel like this!
susan, I have been missing you and your blog'n! sorry to hear you R still going thru this rough patch, but i understand. before when my kids were small i dreamed of the day they would go off to school, then i swapped into homeschool'n and thought am I nuts? now i do not know what i would do with myself honestly...without them here . A job/ holy cow they would make me cut my hair! one day i will face it they must leave our little nest...!
hope things turn around for you
xoxoox
I know why you post your thoughts on your blog...it's the same reason I do.
Sorry you're having a hard time! I'm here to listen anytime you need an ear!
susan - i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. call the dr....i'm sure i'm not the only one who will tell you this -but i went through a similar time - trying to figure out that next step - how to do it, how to get there.....what am i suppose to do in this world, etc. and now i look back and it has somewhat fallen into place (not perfect by any means)....but there are lots of options....so talk to someone - and feel free to email me - we can talk as well....
Susan, I SOOOOOOO get it. I've had lots of questions from family members about why I share so much. I don't even know why I do. I think Gia had a great quote about blogging about it being something like exhaling? I think that was it. Wishing you peace.
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