Stress Test

Okay, so today was the day I finally had my treadmill stress test. The test I had to reschedule like 3 times already due to work getting in the way. The test that I was taking because of my panic attack a few months back.

So anyway, I am dreading this because, for anyone who knows me, I am NOT a runner. I do not mean that euphemistically. I mean, literally, I have not HAD to run in YEARS. If my life depended on it, I might be able to muster a few half hearted strides, but more than likely I'd just tell the person chasing me that I'd save both of us the time and trouble. So the idea of getting on a treadmill for the specific purpose of increasing my heart rate to the targeted 90% of it's maximum allowable did not turn me on in any sense of the word.

But...I was secretly hoping I would at least make it to the running portion.

So, after waiting for nearly an hour in the reception area (getting my stress level elevated all the more), I was making friendly conversation with a middle aged lady who had brought her elderly mother in to the doctor. When they called my name, the nice lady told me to just relax.

Oh yeah, I left out another detail. In preparation for this grand event, I decided to wear not only my regular, every day bra, but over that I put on my "sport bra" that has never seen the light of day outside my closet and then put my cute little Nike running shirt over that. I figured I wished neither to bounce or poke through my shirt, if you get my drift. When I got to the initial exam room where they put all the little heart contacts all over your upper body, they said I could not wear the sports bra since it puts pressure on the contacts and causes false readouts. Now what would I have done if I hadn't had my backup bra? I shudder to think. Hubby says I would have come home with black eyes...but he never suspected how the test would go.

Okay, back to the story. So they call me back and the nurse is explaining (after taking my blood pressure and hooking all the wires up to the contacts stuck all over me) that the object of the test is to monitor my heart rate until it reaches the aforementioned 90% level, and at that point they will stop the treadmill regardless of how long I have been on it. She says it will start slowly, with increased incline and speed after 3 minute intervals. She will give me a 20 second warning prior to the increases so I will be ready. Yeah, right.

We wait for the good doctor to join us. He comes in and sits down at the machine and I swear he is catching up on his medical journal reading since he barely looked at anything. The nurse tells me to start and off we go at a nice leisurely pace that is very manageable. My heart rate is at the 40% mark at the beginning of the test and I can see the monitor from the treadmill.

Walking, walking, incline, incline. Hey, this isn't so bad. I'm sure I can muster up the breath and stamina for at least 10 minutes on this puppy, right?

"Okay, it will get faster in 20 seconds" says the nurse. I'm like, no problem lady. She steps forward to hit the computer buttons and take my blood pressure. "How are you doing?" she asks. Oh fine, no problem.

Walking, a little bit briskly, calves are starting to burn, 35% incline, and I'm feeling it. My breathing is coming a little harder and I notice my arms have this funny reddish hue. Oh well, must be the fluorescent lighting. Keep moving. Heart is at...holy crap! I'm already near the 70% level! Okay, focus, breathe, keep moving.

The nice nurse announces the next increase is imminent as she once again steps forward to cuff me. I'm thinking, ok, you can do this, just hang in there.

Machine amps up to a fast paced walk. I guess technically I could have jogged it but I'm playing tough guy/gal. Uh oh, my breathing really sounds labored and that funny skin color is getting a little darker. Darn lighting! I glance at the monitor and I'm at 85%. Doc glances up from his reading material to announce they're going to shut it down in 15 seconds. I hit 90% in no time after that and they shut me down.

I'm humiliated....I never even got to trot.

The absent minded doc announces that I have a healthy heart. He's probably thinking how could this 44 year old otherwise perfectly healthy looking woman not even last to a jog? But he doesn't say that as he excuses himself from the room.

I ask the nice nurse if most patients get to the running portion. She politely smiles and nods, sensing my embarassment. Great! I lasted an entire 6 minutes and 38 seconds!

As I'm leaving, I notice the nice older lady I was talking to has rejoined her mother, who has finished with her exam. She glances up in surprise, probably shocked that I'm done already. I smile and tell her I didn't set any endurance records, the docs probably wanted to go home for the day anyway.

In the car, I call my mom to let her know how horrible I did. I ask her to check with my dad, who had this test done when he was 70 years old, to see how long he made it. Over her snorting laughter, she asks him and his answer just sets her off in another fit of giggles. She finally gasps "17 or 18 minutes, at a full run!".

My humiliation is complete. Oh well, at least I didn't fall off the darn thing.

*****
P.S. Play the above video...it's only 52 seconds and totally worth it. Do eet!!!