Insomnia Rambler

I know I said I wouldn't be here for awhile, but I find myself unable to sleep even though I'm exhausted. Emotionally drained. Tired of it all. So I figured I'd do a rambler to get it out of my head...

• I'm pissed at so many things right now and it is not a good state of mind for me (or my kids).
• I don't want to leave but I don't want to stay either.
• I wish this was all behind me so I could feel like I'm going forward again.
• Why do I have to give up my dog too? It just isn't fair...none of it is.
• I need to cry some more but I feel like I don't have the time.
• I think my weight loss got derailed in all this mess and that is just one more thing that is pissing me off.
• Hard work gets you nothing more than more hard work.
• I want my happy ending. I need it.
• My kids are the best thing that have ever happened to me.
• I'm scared to be a single parent.
• All my plans seem not to matter anymore...now I just have to make new ones all over again.
• I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but I'm allowing it this time.
• Every day I just feel like I'm knocked over before I can even get up.
• I thought he would love me forever. I thought he knew me and loved me exactly the way I was. I thought I finally found someone who accepted all my flaws and loved me anyway. Maybe that man doesn't exist for me.
• My life doesn't really belong to me anymore...it's all for the kids now but I have no one (man) to share that with. That makes me so unbearably sad.
• Of course I am grateful for my family....mom and dad thank you so much again for always being there.
• I want my mommy......
• I hate the way I feel and my head hurts all the time (and my heart).
• I can't get my head around why this is all happening and don't think it will ever make sense to me.
• Just when I think I have a handle on things, the sadness settles back in and here I am typing and crying about it all.
• Mom, I know this is weird but it helps me. My deepest thoughts are offline. This is only scratching the surface.
• I don't want to think about it all but I can't help it.
• I wish I didn't have to teach tomorrow because my heart is not in it right now. My patience level right now sucks.
• I AM SO MAD I COULD SCREAM!!!!!

I hope I'm more tired now. But I'm sure as soon as I lay down it will start right up again. I stay awake until I pass out pretty much. Sorry, this wasn't much fun for me either....

Thanks for listening.

Signing Off For Awhile

Well....there is alot going on in my life right now. I know at the end of the road it will all be okay, but there will be alot of bumps and bruises getting there. This is a tough time for me and the kids and I have been absent for a reason.

I'm moving back to Ohio with my babies. I will no longer be married....and the shock is still settling. I have little time to get my life here wrapped up and little time to get things rolling for the new school year in the fall. Alot is happening, as I said.

I am thankful to have the love and support of family and friends. That is all for now. I won't be here for awhile and will let you know when I get through all this.

Until then...peace and love as always....

My Baby and Me

So yesterday morning after I drop my son off at school, my baby and I (and our dog) head out to a local area where I like to go walking. I am determined to stay on top of my "cardio" (if you wanna call it that), and early morning is always best.

For some reason, the sidewalks and grass are quite wet in some places, and my little one soon discovers the joys of riding her bike through puddles. What she doesn't realize (or probably care much about, not having to do the laundry yet), is the faster you go, the more dirty water gets sprayed on your behind and your pant legs. But she is eating it up. She pedals as fast as she can on to the next puddle, and up ahead I can hear her little voice calling out "That was AWESOME!" She returns again and again to the biggest puddle she can find to enjoy her newest outdoor experience.

I loved every minute of it.

I watched her indulge in such a simple pleasure and it took me back to that first time when we all figured out how cool it was to go flying through a big old puddle and watch the water spray around our legs. We didn't care if we all looked like a bike had ridden up our backsides and down our legs either. And then we learned how to bend our knees and pull our legs up near the handlebars as the pedals spun around by themselves. Yup, she figured that out too.

It's the simple moments in life....

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jigg

So the kids and I have been back home in SoCal for 4.5 days now and they quickly went right back into their old routines (can you say X-box?). The weather as soon as we arrived (I'll tell you about the harrowing flight details in a minute) was a balmy 68 degrees - at 8:00 p.m.!

About the flight....let me just say, while I was waiting at the Cleveland airport for our flight to board, I watched our Pilot get out to do the visual plane inspection. I was thrilled to see he was an older gentleman, since I think veteran pilots obviously are more seasoned for handling emergencies. So that put me at ease. However, I also knew the weather coming in from the west, probably around Illinois, was extremely windy. I watched The View last week, which had a feature where Whoopi "flies" on a simulator to overcome her intense fear of flying. When they asked about turbulence, the pilot said that turbulence ALONE would never bring down a plane. I kept that piece of information in my head and repeated it when things got rough...as you will soon see.

The takeoff was relatively smooth, there was the usual customary bumping, creaking, and vibrating that makes me think the roof is going to be ripped right off and we're all going to either get sucked out or have gigantic metal pieces embedded in our skin (remember when that happened on that Hawaiian flight?). I am a nervous flyer when it comes to take-offs and landings, having experienced some that were none too pleasant. I always watch for the drink cart to come out, which tells me that we have leveled off and the flight crew feels comfortable enough to move about the cabin. If I didn't have the kids with me, I probably would have had a glass of wine (or 2).

Anyway, about an hour or two into the flight I notice we seem to be descending somewhat. Then, we hit the WORST turbulence I have ever felt in my years of flying! I expect the normal up and down movement where you feel your stomach going up into your throat and then plummeting back to its intended position, only to be repeated several times. However, this time, there was actual SIDE TO SIDE LURCHING, whereby the 2 drinks I was trying to hold onto went sloshing out of the cup and onto my poor son's lap, drenching him in an unflattering area (crotch). The kids were trying to decide whether or not we were all going to die and kept looking to me for some reassurance. All I really wanted to do was start screaming. I tried to smile and say, "oooh, just like a roller coaster, huh?", not sure if they could detect the sheer terror in my eyes. I now know what the saying "her blood ran cold" means...my hands and feet literally were ice cold since all the blood had deserted my limbs and was clustering around my heart to keep it from dying on the spot.

The pilot got on the intercom (I'm always amazed by how calm they sound even when shit is bouncing around the cabin) and announces that "this will all be over in a minute folks. please make sure your seat belt is secure and do NOT get up". Yeah, no kidding! Anyone not already buckled in would have either been on the ceiling or sprawled in the aisle crawling around and whimpering. After what seemed like an hour, but was more likely 3-5 minutes, we finally leveled out and found smooth air. My hands were shaking and I was having a hard time composing myself. The flight attendant actually started walking up the aisle to check and make sure everyone was okay. I'm amazed no one threw up.

The rest of the flight was uneventful, but when we started our descent for landing, as soon as there was the least amount of turbulence I found my hands gripping the seat and my blood deserting my limbs again. I have never been so thankful to be on solid ground.

It's good to be home, but we all miss the grandparents. Thanks again Mom, Dad and Tim for an awesome visit. And for my cousins and all my friends, can't wait to see you again!!!

TGIF

Here's my last talky from my trip. I'll be busy today and tomorrow soaking up time with family. I've enjoyed our time here but I miss my Papa bear....

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