Pain, Regrets and a Hopeful Ending

Today was not such a great day for me. It started off with less than 3 hours of sleep, so I kind of expected that by the end of the day I would be limping through.

I was subbing at my son's school as a "Rover" today...where I basically cover all day for various teachers who have conferences with parents for children who are struggling. Anyway, the day usually drags by as conferences are inevitably canceled by some, leaving large gaps of time to fill with nothing but thoughts and idle gossip.

Something I am having a hard time with these days....

But I got through the schedule and found myself at the end of the day waiting in the kindergarten room where my son was last year and where my daughter was supposed to be this fall. I was there watching my son and his friends while the boys' moms (one is a teacher and the other a parent involved in the last conference) were otherwise engaged. School was already out for the day, so I had the room to myself while the boys romped out back in the play yard.

Well...the combination of lack of sleep and all the emotions of a divorce and financial ruin, as well as being in the very room where I had spent so much time as both a teacher and a mother making friends with the 2 teachers who have helped me in countless ways...it just all caught up at once. As I looked around the room where I wanted my daughter to be next year and who now would not be coming here, I just started to cry. I mean really unleash. Thankful no one could see or hear me, I buried my sobs in wads of kleenex and tried to just let it pass over me. I remembered the first day of school for my son, and the first day that would not be for my daughter. Of course, she will have another first day of kindergarten, but it will not be the same.

The bank will be coming to take away our truck and RV next week. I think that also got to me. Because now, it really is real. This nightmare is really happening. I have been so wrapped up in trying to plan for the move, plan for the paperwork that needs to be filed, filling out forms and keeping things going for the kids, I have not had time to think about the difficult weeks ahead when the rending of hearts and possessions and family is to come. The "repo" is the first step of all of that. The memories I made with my family and the kids in the trailer (just last weekend at Cub Scout camp) are locked in walls of the trailer and the walls of my mind and heart. And now that trailer will be someone else's family dream and happy ending.

I know it is just a possession. I know that in my head. But my heart does not understand just yet. The taking away, the release, the letting it all go. I just don't feel ready.

So then the regrets kicked in. Did I fight hard enough for all of us? What if I had refused to allow the divorce (is that even possible?). What if I told him to just go live apart for awhile and let us continue on and see how we ended up? Would it have worked? Would it have been any easier? I keep getting stuck between the then, the now and the yet to come. Forward is hard for me right now. I'm stuck in pause mode, rewind, replay. The what-ifs, could-haves, should-haves and what-could-I-have-done differently world of insecurities and doubt.

I called friends and family just to hear a friendly voice, but no one was home or available...and I thought, well better get used to this. You won't always have someone to talk to when you need it. People have lives to get on with. That's just the way it is. I get that.

I keep getting scared the closer I get to the move (whenever exactly that will be is still getting worked out), like a child who doesn't want to get in the dentist's chair for the first time. You know you have to, you know it is coming, but you're scared of all the pain and the unknown. I have to succeed, I must, I have 2 children depending on that. The thought of going to the airport for that emotional plane ride when I will once again be leaving people I have loved (and still love) dearly behind and hoping that the future at the other end will all be okay. Like it was supposed to be this time.

And no, I do not HATE California...I was just trying to get used to it's differences. The weather has been beautiful (spring here has always been my favorite season), the scenery is still breathtaking. No cars are stained by salt and rust. The people (teachers, moms, friends) have been sweeter and more embracing this year. It was all coming together for me just as it all fell apart. The irony of it all....

And then I was looking at pictures from this past Valentine's day (you know, the one where all the firemen had the wives come to the station and my husband cooked this killer meal and we all got wined and dined and feted with roses?) That one, yeah, a mere 2 months ago. And when I asked him about all that, he said "that wasn't my idea, they just asked if I would cook". Great. He was just going through the motions while I was happily soaking up all the "love" and chatting up the other fire wives. All a sham. All of it. Ouch ouch ouch please God make it stop!

Grieving...in my own way. I know there are other friends of mine who have April and May marked by sadness now as never before so mine is certainly not to be compared. But now, I must say, spring is kinda ruined for me. Maybe it will awaken again sometime. But....my last marriage broke up in April and the divorce was final in December and it kinda looks like history will be repeating itself exactly 15 years later. April....the birth months of my daughter, father (and sweet Stephanie), and December, the birth month of my son and another famous Son we all celebrate. The sweet mixed with the sour. Ah, life.

I'm struggling to find the funny these days. I can do it in conversations and small talk with friends because my sense of humor is what always has saved me. But it is the private moments like the one in the classroom today or the darkness of night while my children lay sleeping beside me that threaten to take me under.

I know I'm not alone...I have many of you friends following along, and thank you for being here. And of course, my family (mom, dad, brothers, cousins, Cleveland buddies) who have been so supportive and loving. But at the end of the day, it is me who I must lean on the most so my kids will be okay. It is so much harder to be strong for all 3 of us than it is for just me. Thank God I have my family. Thank God indeed. And while I cannot wait to see them, I hate that this is no longer my home. It is killing me to leave it. It was my first (and only) home that I ever bought and I made it a loving place and now I have to just walk away from it.

Did I mention how much I hate all this?

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P.S. Just after I posted this, the most amazing thing happened. As I lay here with my kids, all of us too hot to sleep, my Ipod (which is hooked up to a docking station so it plays thru a speaker) came on all by itself and played the song "No Day but Today" from the Rent soundtrack. How cool is that? I told the kids (who were a little spooked) that it was a miracle of love to remind me I really am not alone and today is what I have to be thankful for. Thanks Grandma...I know it was you. Mom, she was here because she knew you couldn't be right now. How cool is that? I felt it, I felt her. My alone just vanished. I told my kids we just got a visit from someone who loves us and is watching out for us. They really thought it was awesome and we will all go to sleep with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts. I feel so much better now.....

P.P.S. I know some of you may think that it's all hooey to believe in these "signs" or miracles, but you don't have to. I do and it's all I needed....